No guy wants a broken girl.

But that is what I am, a broken girl. So I guess that means no one wants me. 
I was perfectly fine before, but when I was not broken, the guys I dated, whom I trusted with everything broke me, piece by piece… 

Yes. I am broken.

Cheating men like Brian Puspos is the reason why it's hard for women to trust,

Aja Dang is my role model. When I first heard of her, or even saw her, she was Brian Puspos' girlfriend. I've always been a huge fan of Brian Puspos, and I've always loved his dance and his choreography and everything. From friends I've heard that he was a douche bag, that he doesn't always treat his fans with respect, and that he was a complete asshole who is full of himself. I never allowed for myself to believe it because I always thought of him as perfect. Until he cheated on Aja Dang. The way he reacted, calling her a psycho for making a blog post about how hurt she was by the whole situation, acting immature, making arrogant tweets about the whole situation and letting it slide off as if it were nothing and then all of a sudden gettin' it with Trinity Dang, while Aja is over here still trying to heal? That just goes to show whose side of the story was more plausible. Personally, I've dealt with many relationships, I've dealt with cheating boyfriends, asshole boyfriends, I've seen and dealt with them all. I know where Aja comes from. She feels like she picks bad men, hell I know I pick bad men. I know where she comes from when the person, you thought you loved the most in the whole entire world, the person you thought you would spend your life with, the person you trusted with your heart and life… betrays you. Cheats on you. Dates you, calls you his whole world, the love of his life, yet has a side chick whom he talks to. Why? I will never be able to fathom why a man would do that. Why someone would cheat on another person. If you can't stay faithful, the simple solution is to just break up with the other person. Let them go before you hurt them. You can't date someone and only be part way in the relationship because you still want to date around. Relationships are a two person thing. I personally believe relationships should be like marriage without the title of husband and wife. But because of men like Brian Puspos, men who think it's okay to cheat, and men who think it's okay to play chicks, have side chicks, whatever… It's because of men like you, women like me have trouble trusting and have trouble putting ourselves out there again. You can apologize all you want. All my ex's who have cheated on me have apologized, but that doesn't fix that emotional scar that is there. That feeling, that fear of losing your world to some other chick will always linger. So yes, when I am reluctant to pursue a relationship, it is because of men like Brian Puspos. It really is a damn shame because I looked up to him so much for being such an amazing dancer, he was an inspiration for my dance career and now I find out that he is exactly like the men who scarred me emotionally…? I honestly cannot look at him the same way. The way Aja responded to the whole situation shows how pure, beautiful, humble, honest, and mature she is. I adore and admire how beautiful she is inside and out and that is exactly why she is my role model.

A tiny fear,

Although this fear is tiny, it basically dictates my life, my love life, right now. This fear, the fear of commitment and relationships. This might make me sound like a very bad person, but I've grown to be the person I am today because of all my past relationships and past flings that I thought could have been something but ended up being nothing but just time wasted and another broken heart to mend. 

I can go on and on raving about how I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, someone I want to be with and KNOW that they will be there, stay faithful, and never leave my side… but how I can say that when I'm the one shying away from it? How can I say that is something I want when I've been the one to fear it? How can I want something I fear? Take a risk? No, I can't because I can't shake the feeling that I'll end up hurt. And my mother/mentor/Suzy was right, my whole past of falling too easily for guys did shape me into this person who has trust issues. Don't get me wrong, I don't know if this feeling will stay forever, but it is the only feeling I am feeling right now. Resistance to fall for anyone just too hard, resistance to try to get past this fear. 

I am a broken girl, I am so broken compared to your average girl. With my track record, you can probably tell that I'm not suitable for a stable relationship anytime soon either. I'm just not emotionally available. It's not that I don't have time, it's not that I want to shy away from a relationship on purpose, but I feel like I'm still scarred from my past. I'm still trying to heal… and as sad as this all sounds right now, I really am just not emotionally available.