Although this fear is tiny, it basically dictates my life, my love life, right now. This fear, the fear of commitment and relationships. This might make me sound like a very bad person, but I've grown to be the person I am today because of all my past relationships and past flings that I thought could have been something but ended up being nothing but just time wasted and another broken heart to mend. I can go on and on raving about how I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, someone I want to be with and KNOW that they will be there, stay faithful, and never leave my side… but how I can say that when I'm the one shying away from it? How can I say that is something I want when I've been the one to fear it? How can I want something I fear? Take a risk? No, I can't because I can't shake the feeling that I'll end up hurt. And my mother/mentor/Suzy was right, my whole past of falling too easily for guys did shape me into this person who has trust issues. Don't get me wrong, I don't know if this feeling will stay forever, but it is the only feeling I am feeling right now. Resistance to fall for anyone just too hard, resistance to try to get past this fear.
I am a broken girl, I am so broken compared to your average girl. With my track record, you can probably tell that I'm not suitable for a stable relationship anytime soon either. I'm just not emotionally available. It's not that I don't have time, it's not that I want to shy away from a relationship on purpose, but I feel like I'm still scarred from my past. I'm still trying to heal… and as sad as this all sounds right now, I really am just not emotionally available.
