Right now, I'm really into the whole activist thing, standing up for certain issues and what not. I won't get super into that issue right now, because that is for a completely different post. That should be a post in itself. For me, I've grown up with my voice stripped from me. If not stripped, then it was always silenced. Since I lived most of my life without a voice, developing that voice has always been a little difficult for me, and now that I am grown, now that I'm basically 20, I'm utilizing my voice to speak up on issues I care deeply about. I'm giving a voice to those who have been stripped of their voices because I know what it's like to feel like you don't matter. Personally, I feel like amplifying the voice of others. I want groups to see that they matter, and that it'll inspire them to utilize their voice. Enough with this, haha I feel like a lot of my posts relate to self identity and reflection…
I've been studying hours and hours for finals the past week and I honestly feel very exhausted. I study so much because I want to do well in school. This year has been by far one of my best years because I've been so focused on school and succeeding and set achievable, yet challenging goals for myself. But my friend Vinh brought up something yesterday that allowed for me to reflect on why I keep myself so busy. It could possibly be a reason as to why I'm so… hardworking and why I do things.
I do not mind being alone. I honestly do not. It's just a matter of whether or not I'm doing something or not. If I'm alone, reading a book, I'm doing homework, I'm studying… or I'm sleeping. My mind cannot reflect the way it does when I'm writing, or when I'm blogging. It's quite unfortunate for me. While writing this, I am reminded of how empty I feel. No, not lonely empty. I have friends, I have family, I have people who make me happy and bring joy to my life. However, I feel empty. For years, I have tried to find ways to fill this void. Why is this emptiness here? I'm doing what I love, studying what I love in school, I have all the people I want, need and love in my life, and I cannot possibly thing of anything more I want. (Except the perfect boyfriend)… However, I do not think this emptiness is a result of that thing I want or desire because I am independent. I don't need a man to make me happy or a man to fill this void inside me. But I do have this void inside that just never seems to go away. Even when I was in a presumably happy relationship, I felt this void.
It's kind of funny because my friend is feeling the same way right now and he wanted to know how to fill the void. That was when I reflected on his situation, because it was so familiar to mine. However, I did not google it like how he did.
When I find something that fills this void, I will blog about it.
Another thing, the school year is finally over. My sophomore year is done and I'm just thankful for everything. I am thankful for my supportive friends and family. This year I've made the deans list twice, I hope I make it this quarter. I made it into my major, I was allowed to speak at my work place's auction, I've met amazing people, I've take classes that I really enjoyed, I've gained a lot of confidence… This year was just amazing. I'm debating whether or not I should take summer quarter right now. Ugh.
I've writing a lot in my journal lately, but I haven't really blogged. I need to continue blogging, document things. I don't think a lot of you guys really care about what I have to say… eh whatever.
My love life right now is really non-existant. I'm talking to someone, but I don't know where that is going. I honestly hope it goes somewhere though. It's hard to say how I feel exactly because this again is so new to me. I haven't really put myself out there like that since my last boyfriend because I do not want to get hurt which is why I feel like I keep to myself. I have a hard time opening up and letting these walls come down because of my past. I won't go any further with this because I'm just not comfortable talking about this right now.
Anyway, this is the end of this post for now. I will have a more meaningful post up by tomorrow night. This was just an update.
