I guess you could say this is a supplemental letter to all those I've previously written.
I realized how long it has been since I have posted anything. I've been more so focused on physically writing in my journals than I have been blogging. I miss how easy it is to let words flow from my hands as I type away.
In the past, I've written a total of three "Dear Future Boyfriend" letters/posts. Given that I have one now, I think it's time for a "Dear Boyfriend, I can explain..." letter/post.
I wish I was smart
enough to include the dates of my original Dear Future Boyfriend posts,
but honestly I wasn't. I'm pretty sure I was in high school though. The
reason I think this, is because this post was from my previous tumblr.
Not the noircoffeee one, but the xXHypnotiq one. There are several "Dear
Future Boyfriend" posts on my noircoffeee tumblr that I think would
probably be good to transfer over, or not. We'll see.
Compilation of previous letters.
Let's start.
Dear Boyfriend,
I can explain.
The original Dear Boyfriend Post was written in high school (I believe). I think I was one of the few girls who experienced various flings and dated loosely (no titles). Of course, a lot of those inevitably ended up with me as the individual who cared more than the other. Everything I said and did was not enough and I felt almost always second rate. Instead of admitting that I tried 100% and still failed, I put up the facade that I'm not the best girlfriend ever. I put up the facade that I get tired and lose interest quickly because I'd much rather say I lost interest first, than to watch someone lose interest in me. "I am insecure, I cry, I get mad, I get upset... and hey, I can be really cocky sometimes." I am insecure because in many instances, I felt like I was never good enough. I cry because after feeling that way for so long, I really began to think it's just me. I get mad because after a while, it becomes frustrating trying to figure out how, when, and where things went wrong and how things could have ended up differently, and I'm cocky sometimes, because I know I tried 100%, so it makes NO sense to me why it doesn't work out. I mean, come on, I'm fucking great. I wasn't being cocky when I said I had exs who've come back telling me they miss me because I'm different and regret hurting me. It has happened on several occasions with exs and some flings. In retrospect, it wasn't really a me issue... much, it sounds like it was more of a they problem, clearly I knew how to pick them, right haha. If they hurt me and it ended, but they came back, it was because they realized they fucked up, right?
In my second letter, I think this was my sophomore year? Not much older, not much wiser, lol. I think after a certain point, doubting comes naturally. If the common denominator is me in all these failed "relationships", naturally one would think that it's themselves. I started acting irrationally because I knew it was a self-destructive thing. If I acted rationally and it blew up in my face, it was me. If I act irrationally, and it blows up in my face, at least I can blame the fact I was being irrational. "I might doubt our relationship but your job is to keep me from doubting you, from doubting the relationship. I know it sounds like I expect you to put all the work into this relationship, but to be honest... I don't expect that." Instinctively, I doubt. I doubt because I feel I don't deserve certain words, actions, or people in my life. I don't doubt because I want to, I don't doubt because I lack trust. I doubt because I don't think I deserve certain things and that comes from not fully knowing my self-worth. It is something I am working on and have been for god knows how long haha. Since my last serious relationship?
Also, I date because I want stability and long term. Historically, that was what I wanted and pursued. But somehow, I almost always ended up with duds who 1. played me, 2. weren't looking for anything serious yet had the audacity to tell me they were to trap me into something short term, or 3. found better and/or saw me as second rate/the back up.
The third future boyfriend post, was sometime after my last serious relationship and several failed attempts at dating. I story I tell everyone was that I was cheated on once. In reality, three times. 1. P.C., 2. D.V., 3. V.V.
1. P.C.: Quick synopsis of what happened. I think this was the start of the damage.
2. D.V.: We dated on and off about seven times. One of the most toxic relationships I was ever in. He destroyed me emotionally, bounced me around like a yo-yo. One minute I was the world, the next I was the annoying bitch, who didn't deserve love, who didn't deserve his attention, his time, his love, his commitment/loyalty... He must have talked to several girls yet my dumbass stayed because every time I was on the cusp of leaving, he'd pull me back in. I was always stupid enough to think he'd change. I think, during the 6th time I went back to him, he cheated on me with this girl he met on MySpace (LOL yeah, MySpace). They ended up going to hang out after school one day, but I didn't go... I think I was busy studying for a test and turned his ass down. During that hang out, that girl's friend took pictures of the two together and posted it on MySpace... and I saw. I ended it. My dumbass still went back a seventh time though. He tried to emotionally fuck me up more by being the verbally abusive asshole he was, and I think part of me snapped... I used the seventh chance as my revenge and hurt him and left. He transferred schools he he realized I cut the cord and would never go back. The last contact I had with him was my 18th birthday when he stopped by, gave a friend of mine roses and a bear to give to me. No card. No explanation.
3. V.V. I think we started out as friends who were semi-interested in each other. He always had his eyes on another girl though. Someone who I considered a friend. She... was only interested in him when she felt like it. I supposed because I was around, he picked me? Constantly I always felt second rate. His priorities: video games > me and her > me. It really got tricky when my "friend" became interested in him, when he was mine because he picked her but kept me on a tight leash. I assumed it was because if it didn't work out with her, he'd still at least have me. For a long time I stayed because he already saw me at my worst and still "wanted" to be with me... I was scared I wouldn't find anyone who'd want to be with me after knowing EVERYTHING about me. Not just my love life, but my childhood. So my dumbass stayed - but I eventually left when I was half a year into my first year of college because I started to really find myself, who I wanted to be, and where I wanted to go. He didn't fall in line with any of my goals.
In all three, I went back. I stayed longer than I should have. At the time, I thought it was because I loved them, and I thought love would help overcome all those doubts and that love would be enough for them to change. They didn't because I continued to try 100% and they only tried 50%. I was so infatuated that I really couldn't see my self-worth and I thought those were the relationships I deserved. I was so blinded by infatuation that I thought it was because I loved them, but it was because I loved the idea of them - what it was like in the beginning. I wore my heart on my sleeves, I loved with all my heart, and I was completely shattered those three times. My heart still aches this day reflecting on all this hurt. I built my walls so high and tucked my heart away so that I would never have to feel that feeling again. I'm scared to love, because I'm scared to hurt.
It's not that I don't trust you, it's that I'm still working on loving myself. I'm a lot better nowadays in that I love myself enough to somewhat know what I deserve... to know not to walk into a relationship blind like I did previously. I know now to not give second chances to someone who has hurt me. Those worthy of second chances, would not have blown the first chance. There are relapses where I don't feel worthy and I don't feel good enough. When I doubt myself, I doubt others. That's when I hide behind my walls. I hate feeling vulnerable and putting myself in a position where I could get hurt again... so I'd much rather not. I'm self-destructive in that I'll pull away when things get serious to avoid falling deeper just so I can protect myself from getting hurt. Selfish, I know. I am friends with one ex, not multiple exs anymore. The one ex I am friends with, it's not complicated, we just worked better as friends. Minus the fact I feel like I was the reason for his down spiral - so yes, there's guilt there, but that's the extent of it.
I have my own life, I understand you have your own. I still stand by the fact I'm a down ass chick. I can hang and I can give you your space. it still stands that if I'm never introduced to your friends, then you'll get an ear full from me... because bitch, why won't you want to show me off? LOL. I legitimately have NOTHING to hide, except for my 2,000 + selfies. I'm 100% down with you going through my texts, through messenger, snapchat, insta, etc., so long as you are 100% down to show me the same. Practice what you preach.
My past helped shape me. Every relationship I've had has taught me a lesson. I've had the time to slowly move on and try to rebuild myself. Thank u, next. HAHAHA. I've learned from he pain I've endured such as about who I am, why I do what I do, or say what I say, and I know my defense mechanisms.
**Jenn to continue post later, it's getting late and I'm running on like four hours of sleep from the night before**
