No guy wants a broken girl.

But that is what I am, a broken girl. So I guess that means no one wants me. 
I was perfectly fine before, but when I was not broken, the guys I dated, whom I trusted with everything broke me, piece by piece… 

Yes. I am broken.

Cheating men like Brian Puspos is the reason why it's hard for women to trust,

Aja Dang is my role model. When I first heard of her, or even saw her, she was Brian Puspos' girlfriend. I've always been a huge fan of Brian Puspos, and I've always loved his dance and his choreography and everything. From friends I've heard that he was a douche bag, that he doesn't always treat his fans with respect, and that he was a complete asshole who is full of himself. I never allowed for myself to believe it because I always thought of him as perfect. Until he cheated on Aja Dang. The way he reacted, calling her a psycho for making a blog post about how hurt she was by the whole situation, acting immature, making arrogant tweets about the whole situation and letting it slide off as if it were nothing and then all of a sudden gettin' it with Trinity Dang, while Aja is over here still trying to heal? That just goes to show whose side of the story was more plausible. Personally, I've dealt with many relationships, I've dealt with cheating boyfriends, asshole boyfriends, I've seen and dealt with them all. I know where Aja comes from. She feels like she picks bad men, hell I know I pick bad men. I know where she comes from when the person, you thought you loved the most in the whole entire world, the person you thought you would spend your life with, the person you trusted with your heart and life… betrays you. Cheats on you. Dates you, calls you his whole world, the love of his life, yet has a side chick whom he talks to. Why? I will never be able to fathom why a man would do that. Why someone would cheat on another person. If you can't stay faithful, the simple solution is to just break up with the other person. Let them go before you hurt them. You can't date someone and only be part way in the relationship because you still want to date around. Relationships are a two person thing. I personally believe relationships should be like marriage without the title of husband and wife. But because of men like Brian Puspos, men who think it's okay to cheat, and men who think it's okay to play chicks, have side chicks, whatever… It's because of men like you, women like me have trouble trusting and have trouble putting ourselves out there again. You can apologize all you want. All my ex's who have cheated on me have apologized, but that doesn't fix that emotional scar that is there. That feeling, that fear of losing your world to some other chick will always linger. So yes, when I am reluctant to pursue a relationship, it is because of men like Brian Puspos. It really is a damn shame because I looked up to him so much for being such an amazing dancer, he was an inspiration for my dance career and now I find out that he is exactly like the men who scarred me emotionally…? I honestly cannot look at him the same way. The way Aja responded to the whole situation shows how pure, beautiful, humble, honest, and mature she is. I adore and admire how beautiful she is inside and out and that is exactly why she is my role model.

A tiny fear,

Although this fear is tiny, it basically dictates my life, my love life, right now. This fear, the fear of commitment and relationships. This might make me sound like a very bad person, but I've grown to be the person I am today because of all my past relationships and past flings that I thought could have been something but ended up being nothing but just time wasted and another broken heart to mend. 

I can go on and on raving about how I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, someone I want to be with and KNOW that they will be there, stay faithful, and never leave my side… but how I can say that when I'm the one shying away from it? How can I say that is something I want when I've been the one to fear it? How can I want something I fear? Take a risk? No, I can't because I can't shake the feeling that I'll end up hurt. And my mother/mentor/Suzy was right, my whole past of falling too easily for guys did shape me into this person who has trust issues. Don't get me wrong, I don't know if this feeling will stay forever, but it is the only feeling I am feeling right now. Resistance to fall for anyone just too hard, resistance to try to get past this fear. 

I am a broken girl, I am so broken compared to your average girl. With my track record, you can probably tell that I'm not suitable for a stable relationship anytime soon either. I'm just not emotionally available. It's not that I don't have time, it's not that I want to shy away from a relationship on purpose, but I feel like I'm still scarred from my past. I'm still trying to heal… and as sad as this all sounds right now, I really am just not emotionally available. 

Literal fashion enthusiast.

Sitting and reading H&M's 2014 magazine at my get away place.

There are hundreds of words that can describe me, but the one that I think most definitely defines me right now, is a fashion enthusiast. I cannot help but follow and start trends. I’ve been told by many people they love the way I dress, they love the shoes I have, and that they love my style. My style isn’t too much because I try to aim for simple, comfy, chic, and at the same time edgy with a touch of class. It’s kind of contradictory when I say all of those together, but it’s true. I've been called a fashionista and a trend setter. 

A lot of people in my family turn to me for fashion tips, advice, do’s and don’ts. When the topic of shopping comes up, everyone wants to take me. What can I say? Everyone just wants my opinion on stuff before they buy it. My friend and I text each other pictures of the clothes we try on in the fitting rooms and consult before we buy. I honestly cannot explain my feeling towards this… Fashion is like art. A way of expressing yourself through what you wear. I’m totally and completely in love with fashion and clothes and indulging myself into the whole fashion scene. 

I’ll add more on to this when I’m done studying for midterms. Deuces for now.

Rocking Suvon's noir et blanc t-shirts because of my blog name.

Their priceless gift and my return.

I’m not sure if this is a given, but I am who I am today because of programs that receive generous donations from donors who have the ability to reach deep into their pockets to donate.  The leadership skills I have gained, the public speaking skills I have developed, my whole persona has been defined and shaped by these programs who run on generous donations from people. I want to be the definition of giving back to a community that gave to me while growing up, that shaped me into the person I am today.

From what I’m saying, I don’t know if you know this, but it is definitely implied that when I grow up and become stable in my career, I will be one of those people too. If you follow my tumblr, I’m sure you see how simple my living can be. Yeah I go all out when it comes to shopping for clothes and such, and yeah my phone my laptop and stuff is expensive. But I can live a simple life with very minimal spending, plus I don’t eat a lot! I want to donate as much as I can to youth programs, to organizations, charities and to causes that have an impact on the community here and overseas. I’m all for making positive changes in the world. I want to be able to do so through my career, but also during my leisure time.  I want to attend charity dinners, fundraisers, auctions, and events that are put together by organizations whose sole mission, whether directly or indirectly, helps the community and helps society be a better place.

When I’m grown up, I expect to still be affiliated with the Wing Luke. I will be one of the annual auction attendees, I’ll pay that $100+ for a seat, I’ll bid on art, I’ll donate to the youth programs and to the museum that shaped me into the person I am today. The leadership opportunities the Wing has provided me is priceless. There is simply no price in helping someone shape his or her persona. There is no price in helping someone become who they are and find their path in life. There is no price in finding my passion and there is no price for helping a lost girl find her way into a young woman who wants to make a change in the world.  For all those priceless gifts the Wing Luke has given me, what better way to repay and show my gratitude than to attend their fundraising functions and to donate and support their mission?

I am aware of all the issues that have happened in the past because of the countless informative exhibits the Wing has and because of the YouthCAN sessions. I am aware that history and the stories of those who struggled needs to be remembered, heard, presented and told everyday. An institution such as the Wing allows for people to remember the past in order for the past to never repeat again. To see the consequences of the past insures that injustice will never prevail and that the rights of everyone are protected.

Thank you for teaching me my history and history in general, thank you for enlightening me, for inspiring me, for letting me know it is okay to follow my dreams, passions, and interests and thank you for giving me role models. Thank you for teaching me the importance of giving. When I grow up, I cannot think of a better place to put my money than in a place whose mission is directly to preserve history and tell the Asian American experience and indirectly impacting the community for the better through the museum’s visitors and through their youth in their youth programs. I cannot think of a better use for my money than to give to programs, charities and organizations whose mission is similar to the Wing’s. 

I know this money will help the Wing inspire young people like they did to me. Hopefully, my story can be heard so people can realize the importance of these organizations. 

I got accepted into my major guys!

This is honestly beyond great news for me. I guess it's time to let it out there. 

I applied for this major back on April 10th, and since then I have been anxious, nervous and pretty on edge waiting to hear back from the Law, Societies and Justice department. I am glad to say that I have been accepted will be filling out the paper work to officially declare my major soon. 

I guess I can share my story now. Upon entering college, I had no idea what I was going to do. I knew beforehand that I had a strong passion for advocacy, for justice, for supporting the law, for giving the voiceless a voice and for improving the community by correcting the injustices within the community. I knew a deep knowledge over my high school years of the harsh reality outside of my perfect bubble and I knew about the struggles and injustices people faced every day in the United States and outside of it. But I never went with this strong instinctive desire. I really wanted to get into criminal justice or forensic science, but UW did not have a distinctive major for that, and I did not know about the LSJ program.

Upon entering college, I decided to go the safe route, to apply to be a business major and I took classes that pointed me towards it. I eventually realized that business was not the route for me. I simply did not have the passion within to continue to pursue something that did not spark passion. Why go a safe route if I was to dread every class? I then entered a phase where I did not know what to do with my college career. 

I dabbled with the pre-medical major classes, I looked into the dental hygiene major, into the computer science major and everything that looked SAFE. That looked like it would allow for me to have a stable living, to have a stable paying job. Then fortunately for me, spring of 2013, I took LSJ 200 and it re-sparked my interest for advocacy. I was no longer lost because I realized this was where my passion laid. It laid within reading philosophical issues in the law, reviewing case studies, researching statistics about incarceration rates, debating the injustices and inequality that arise in society today and from back then, everything this major offers and is basically defines all my interests. It was then I decided to go for the LSJ major. 

Upon applying, I was scared. A lot of people wanted to apply, a lot of people were re-applying and a lot of people complained about how difficult the major was to get into. I was anxious, scared, nervous and definitely on edge (I've said it once and I'll say it again). I couldn't eat right, I couldn't focus… I was really scared I wasn't going to get in… 

Today upon my return home, I opened my school email and saw the email from the LSJ advisor; I had been accepted. I literally jumped out of my chair, leaped and jumped around, ran outside to tell my mom I made it in, and literally splurged on all my social media platforms. 

All I can say is follow your dreams and do what you love! Never do something you do not want to do, and do not follow the footsteps of another person because they force you to. It's your life. Be happy, be yourself, and do what you are passionate about. Being passionate will ensure success in any and everything you do. 

Life is beautiful if you're ignorant. If you have eyes, you'll realize the hideous reality.

"Real eyes realize real lies." -Tupac 

Ignorantia juris non excusat (Ignorance is no excuse). Ignorance is bliss. A wise man, Earnest Hemingway quotes, “Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.” Ignorance is no excuse. Being ignorant to something is never and should never be an excuse. 

This is one of the common law principles adapted into our legal system, where if one doesn't know that their action is against the law, it does not constitute an acceptable reason to commit the deed. One has the resources to find out about the law, therefore ignorance is no excuse. 

 This is applicable to any and everything, even outside of the law. An obvious one would be if you smoked marijuana in Oregon. It's illegal there, but it's legal in Washington, one cannot simply say, "I did not know it was illegal here." Outside of legality, a prime example school related would be claiming one did not know a paper was due, or that there was a test. There are course websites and course syllabi, resources answering the questions that could be asked, so ignorance is not a excuse because one could find the answer if they researched it. 

I don't know who coined the phrase, "ignorance is bliss." Must have been an ignorant person. I honestly think it was an How can being oblivious to the things around them be considered a bliss? If anything I think it amplifies the stupidity in this world. Not knowing about racism, discrimination, the world issues, the injustices from history… how is any of that bliss? You could be committing unjust actions towards a certain group of people and not know it, and you are perfectly fine with that? Being racist and prejudicial towards people and when someone calls you out on it you claim that you didn't know your words or actions were offensive? That's no excuse. 

I cannot stand people who degrade another person's culture, religion, sexual orientation, sex, or even nationality and think brush it off as if they did nothing wrong because they are oblivious to the issues at hand. They are oblivious to history, and ignorant to the significant symbolism embodied within these categories. Using ignorance as a defense, as an excuse, as a justifiable reason to discriminate and put someone down… I cannot stand the ignorance in this world. 

 To me, intelligent people are almost never happy, the reason being, they know so much more about what is going on in the world, the good and especially the bad. They are more aware of the bullshit that goes on in the world. I'm not saying all intelligent people are unhappy, or depressed, but a lot of intelligent people are the ones who are going out there and making a change and or contributing to a cause to make a change because they know of the shitty things going on in this world. The shitty things going on in the world need attention and more often than not, these shitty things are never a mood lifter. How can anyone fully love and live life knowing such shitty things are going on? This is why I praise activists and people out there making a change, instead of people sitting on their asses doing nothing to change the ignorance out there. 

 There are people who are brought up believing in only beautiful things, and they are blind the the horrific parts of the world, they in my mind are delusional. Nothing is perfect, no system is perfect, and there are definitely still shitty things going on in the world. What? Just because Hitler and the Nazi regime is gone, just because the Japanese aren't interned anymore, just because the Chinese aren't excluded anymore, just because we aren't allowed to use nuclear weapons to bomb another country anymore, just because a lot of the dictatorships are gone does not mean the world is peachy. I cannot stand the people who have so much love for a world that is still filled with so much flaw. I cannot stand those who love and live life so much that they are oblivious to the REAL issues in the world. 

If life is as beautiful as you claim it to be, look up and tell me about the riots in Egypt, the murders, homicides, and genocides in the Middle East, look up human trafficking numbers, look up how many countries do not have enough to provide simple HiV/AIDS treatment to those in need, look up the poverty levels in the United States, look up the poverty levels in other countries, look at our mass incarceration rates and tell me how much of those are minorities, tell me about racial profiling, the implicit racism that goes on, the structural racism in laws that law-makers are passing because it is not explicitly racist and AFTER YOU'VE LOOKED UP all the bullshit that STILL GOES ON IN THIS WORLD, THEN, I WANT YOU TO LOOK ME IN THE EYES AND TELL ME THIS WORLD IS BEAUTIFUL. 

I want you to look me in the eyes after looking all this up, looking at the statistics and pictures of all those starving, dying, the females that are treated like objects and less than human, I want you to DIVE INTO all of that, be indulged in it. After you become educated, I want you to tell me how beautiful this world is. I want you to tell me that you want to continue living on this Earth and not do anything to make a change to literally make this world a better place. It's impossible right? if you learn about all this bullshit that still goes on, you wouldn't want to just sit and ignore it. You can't just sit and ignore it. 

You cannot love and live life the same way knowing so much unjust shit goes on in this world. So those who believe the world is beautiful, who believes life is beautiful, stop being ignorant and look at the real issue at hand.

Update: Now that I've researched where the 'ignorance is bliss' comes from I am proud to say the full quote is "Where ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise," from Thomas Grey's poem. This is basically critiquing ignorance, saying that little knowledge is a dangerous thing, in which supports my argument above saying without knowledge on certain issues you could be intentionally offending someone adding further to your ignorance because you don't know what you're doing is wrong. If that is the case one will never be able to correct one's mistakes. In response to my earlier commentary on an ignorant person creating this quote, it's not the person who coined the quote that is ignorant because he feels that lack of knowledge is in fact lethal. But ignorance is upon those who interpret the quote for just the "ignorance is bliss" part and embrace just that phrase itself and use it as a excuse to be ignorant and oblivious to the world. Those are the type of people I deem ignorant, the ones who took the quote out of context leading me to believe that the quote in itself meant ignorance should be accepted. Ignorance in some religions can be considered a sin, which I think it hilariously contradictory because a lot of the religious people who believe ignorance is a sin also believe that gay marriage is a sin. Stop being closed-minded. Actually this is a post for another time, the controversial issue of legalizing gay marriage.