Stress, back pains, anxiety, and depression.

This past summer, I have had my fair share of stress. Although I did not register for any summer classes, I worked and dealt with a lot of drama and bullshit. I've encountered multiple instances where I was not taken seriously due to the fact that I am a woman in a position of leadership and another instance where my race placed a crucial factor in how I was treated. These encounters did catch me off guard and they also added a bunch of unnecessary stress. I have never seen so many white hairs in my head. Due to the position I have at work, it has added some stress onto my back thus additional lower back pains. School is starting to come back around the corner and I have never felt so anxious, going into my junior year in college has taken its toll on me, the question that I seem to always be pondering nowadays seem to be; what are you going to do with your life, what are you going to do with your degree, what job/career path do you want to take after undergrad, do you want to go to school after college, what opportunities should you take advantage of while you still can Jenn? I badger myself with these questions and other like questions. All in which I do not have the answer to. After pondering most of the summer, I still lack the ability to answer these questions. My inability to answer these questions have caused me nothing but sadness, low self-esteem, harsh self-criticism, and depression. As a result, I have picked up photography again, I've been writing and journaling non-stop (sorry for not updating my blogger), reading, and I've taken up yoga, all to expand my knowledge, to inspire myself, and to get my mind off the fact that I could be a failure in life. 

This summer vacation was a chance of self-exploratoin, self-identification, and self-improvement. I have found myself, I have found my present self. I know my values, I've set my goals, and I know myself now more than I did before the summer started, and that honestly is a huge accomplishment for me. However, I feel like the more I find out who I am and what I want, I end up encountering new questions without answers. But everyday is a new day, everyday you should learn something new about yourself, and I think that this summer, although I reflected and worked, was very productive and self-enriching. 

I need to love myself. I have self worth, I am worth something. In the past, I've always relied on a guy to reenforce my worth. I was never truly independent. I'll tell you now, that this past year was by far probably my loneliest years yet, but I'm not complaining. Whenever a guy use to show that they were at least some what interested, I threw myself at them. I craved a mans reassurance on my self worth. I was pretty pathetic. It all changed this past year, but the realization was not until this summer. The past year, I ignored boys. I didn't talk to a single guy, nor focus on boys because I focused on my education, focused on getting into my major, focused on bettering my academic career so I could be proud of myself. It was my first step in trying to be independent. I succeeded. I am worth so much more than I ever thought myself to be, I always underestimated my abilities because I never believed I could do anything without a guys reassurance, until I pushed myself. Because I love myself and accept myself for my strengths and weaknesses, I have come to terms with being alone and truly independent. I do not need a guy to reassure me of my greatness, I do not need to depend on a guy and I do not need to throw myself at every guy that shows interest, because by doing so, I am throwing away my independence and most importantly my self worth.

(Food for thought: I don’t understand why being single or being alone has such a negative connotation. If anything I think it is a real achievement/accomplishment to be able to accept the fact that you’re single/alone and to be able to spend time by yourself as an independent person.
I feel like that is what this generation lacks, the ability to depend on themselves for happiness. It’s rather sad how accustomed to company we are nowadays, to depend on the presence of another person to fully make us “happy.” How did we as a society get to the point where loneliness is considered foreign and frowned upon?
My friend, having company all the time is not truly finding yourself. Having company all the time and being unable to bear being by yourself is in all honesty kind of sad. The true meaning of being independent, is relying on yourself and yourself alone to be happy, to be content being by yourself, and not needing the presence of another person to make you feel comfortable.
Next time you see someone sitting and eating lunch or dinner alone, or if you see someone by themselves reading a book in a coffee shop by them self, don’t generalize and assume that every person is sad and alone because not everyone is. Instead of saying, “oh, how sad, they’re eating alone,” try to say, “damn, it is so admirable that they are able to be comfortable spending time to themselves,” because not everyone in today’s society appreciates the feeling of being by yourself, of being alone.)

I have figured out my values in life. That education is a priority and nothing should get in the way of that. I do not have a prioritized list in order because the couple that are up there are all equally important, 1. Family 2. Education 3. Following dreams 4. Work 5. Friends. They all mean something to me, and this summer I realized that if it were not for these five important things in my life, then I would not be the woman I am today. My work ethic results from my education and my work life, following my dreams has allowed me to find what I am passionate about, my family and friends are my endless support group. I value all of these equally. Quite frankly, if I were the person I was three years ago, I'm pretty sure I would have "a relationship" up there or "finding Mr. Right." I mean, they are important, but how important can they be if I don't have any of the five? 

Although this summer has been full of self realizations, I have also come to realize that I still have a long way to go to figure out what I want to do with my life. Most of my stress, anxiety and depression comes from not knowing the future. I am content with who I am and what  I am doing right now, because I know what it is I am doing; there's structure in everything I want to pursue right now. But looking further into the future, I am confused. It is all a blur and although I come off as a strong and independent woman, I am scared. The future scares me and I do not know how to go forward. 

Reading and writing has allowed for me to be inspired, to indulge myself through other perspectives, and to get my mind off of myself for a bit (apologies again for not blogging that much), yoga and skate boarding has allowed for me to push myself out of my comfort zone, allowed for me to try new things with my body that I have never done before in healthy ways. These activities has allowed for me to clear my mind. Skating allows for me to just cruise, to clear my mind and focus on nothing but the majestic feeling of gliding through the concert jungle. Yoga has allowed for me to clear my mind, find inner peace, and relieve some of the back pain that I have. This summer, I've been doing nothing but enriching myself physically and emotionally. My soul feels amazing, I feel amazing and the only thing that is bothering me right now is the mere thought of my future which causes this crazy chain affect where it dives into anxiety and depression.