specifically when it comes to relationships, I tend to start to shy away.
It honestly is a nasty habit in which I have developed: To stay away from relationships and focus on school and my life goals. Because I've dedicated so much of my time to my school life and my life goals, it is hard to direct that dedication into something as personal as my love life. I suppose that is why I have developed this label as an ice queen. I shut a lot of people out when things get serious or start turning in the direction of seriousness. I suppose this habit developed because I always thought of a love life as a distraction or a hindrance on my goals; that they're time consuming. I always saw relationships as a huge waste of time because of the one's I've experienced; they ALL ended badly. I always thought there was no point in getting into something that ended badly, or even put myself in that position where I could hurt my heart, why get involved, when the safest bet is to just stay away? Most of my life I have associated being vulnerable with falling in love. Why? Because it distracts you from your goals, distracts you from being 100% in school, puts you in a position where you could get hurt, puts you in a position where you have to make sacrifices, and it is emotionally draining.
Because of all those reasons, I suppose I trained myself to just ignore this silly thing we call love, this silly thing we call "falling in love with the right person." Every time something serious even starts to come around the corner, I turn away. If I know something is going somewhere, love-wise, then I turn away. How I feel, how I act, my natural reaction to relationships and a "love-life" is quite contradictory to what I actually want; a serious relationship that could lead to a future together. The thing that is convenient for me, the thing I want most, is probably and most likely very hard to come by. I want a relationship where someone who will talk to me when I have time, or when they have time. It has to be convenient for the both of us because this someone cannot be a hindrance to my goals and I cannot be a hindrance to their goals. Clearly, I want someone who is goal-orientated, someone driven, almost as driven as me. I basically want a guy version of me. We cannot be distractions to each other, but when there is spare time we both have, we come together and do whatever, as long as it's together. I want this guy to think what I think. We have to be able to somewhat be able to read each other's minds because that is just how similar we are. To complete each other's sentences, to say what the other person was going to say, to be completely open to each other, to accept each other's flaws, and to say what is on the other person's mind.
I suppose the only reason why I shy away is because I have met someone who has all those qualities I listed above. I'm not ready for a relationship because it's too time consuming, and he doesn't want one because it's too time consuming, and we just have super busy lives. We are both accustomed to the "busy-life" which is why I believe we fit so well. I shy away because, why take a risk and settle for someone who cannot give me what I want, when I have this person who gives me what I want and is convenient for me?
I don't understand how I can take risks when it comes to my life goals, but when it comes to my personal life, risks are just something I'm not willing to take. I'm not the type to let things take it's course or "just let go," because I'm not comfortable doing that. I'm not willing to just let things flow or just let go when it comes to my love life. It has to be scheduled, structured, and that is why I shy away from love. Love is unexpected, unstructured, and unscheduled; all the things that I detest in life.
