Or, if this post can reach all the pre-teen/young teenagers out there, that would help me be a little satisfied.
It's quite embarrassing making this post, but I need to get this out of my system, so why not? When I was 13 years old, I had my first boyfriend, T. He was this guy I went to elementary school with for a while, and I reconnected with him through my cousin who happened to be his neighbor. T was pretty cool, we always talked on aim, on the phone, and because at the time I couldn't really leave the house to go see people, I didn't get to go out to see him that much... Eventually, the relationship ended because of the fact that he met someone else. In a way, that betrayal, the feeling of being left for someone else emotionally scarred me. How could someone just date someone, then treat them the way that he treated me? Pushed me aside and ignored me? Of course, him being my first boyfriend I was a tad bit clingy in trying to save the relationship. I was hurt, and honestly, I felt like I rushed into my second relationship.
I wanted another boyfriend to replace the empty void inside me... and during that time, I met A. A and I met and clicked right away. We always talked on the phone and I guess, the reason why I fell for him was because he gave me the attention that T never gave me after he broke up with me. I don't remember the exact timeline, but T and I went out again not too long after A and I broke up. I broke up with A because I realized that I didn't really like him the way I did T, that A was just a rebound. I pulled a T. I was A's first girlfriend and I just broke up with him without a real explanation, I left him for someone else, I left him for someone who wasn't available.
I dated T again... but it wasn't really a real thing. I guilt him into it. So during the course of that relationship he didn't really talk, and it died out. No one had to say anything, it just ended because it was obvious that he did not like me the way I did him. And by the end of eighth grade, I met D.
D and I hit it off right away. I don't remember exactly how we met, and or how fast we started "talking." But it was one of those fantasy relationships.. you know? The one where you meet someone and you click right away. We got to know each other pretty fast and it all just happened. He asked me to be his girlfriend and right away I said yes. He showed me love and affection that neither T or A did, and at the time I felt like D was the world. But this paradise quickly turned around. We dated on and off. We argued and made up, broke up and got back together.
During one of our breaks I dated T again. But I realized, I only dated him again because I was holding onto our past. I didn't love him anymore. I loved the memories. I loved what use to be. Realizing that, I broke up with him causing him pain because the third time around, he felt regret for how he treated me the first two times, he was serious the third time around, but by then it was too late.
D and I dated once more during my freshman year in high school, but after all the bullshit he put me through, the last time we dated, it was a revenge thing from me. I knew that he wanted the 7th chance, I gave it to him and purposely crushed his heart. I was being spiteful. Because before the last chance I gave D, I met H.
Now, before I met H, D treated me like a queen, but at the same time treated me as if I were trash. My emotions were played with. I trusted too easily. Someone said they'd change, I believed them. I trusted people way too much and in the end I hurt myself and I picked up a couple of their habits.
H and I talked, and honestly, I really liked H. We always talked on the phone, always talked on aim, we cwalked together, it was amazing. But something happened where he just stopped talking to me... I was hurt, and that was when I met L, L and I were rushed into a relationship. I was his first girlfriend and I broke up with him because I realized that I didn't really like him. I had a crush, my friends pushed it forward and he seriously liked me... so that's where the confusion came in... I broke up with him and since then he's been mister playa playa lol...
Then, V.N and I started talking, V.N and I met through SWAG, aka he knew H also... We clicked so fast, the thing is, I fell for him because he was mysterious, he was dark... and at the time, our personalities were not the same, we were probably not compatible, like at all. Which is why when J came in the picture, cut V.N off. I told him he was mean and that he was an asshole... but I now know that the way he acted was his way of showing affection because... he doesn't wear his heart out on his sleeves.
With J, we talked for hours. We webcammed, we talked on the phone, on aim, we sang together, made cwalk videos... the whole cwalk community knew that he and I had a thing. It was pretty damn obvious because his best friend knew... but he cut me off. He pushed me aside, pushed me to the curb. Ignored me... and at the time A.N came in the picture. We talked and it was a real on and off thing. I was hurt, a lot... when he started ignoring me. So... as a result of my being hurt, K hit me up and he tried to make me feel better.
K, he talked himself up so well. He made me believe he was genuinely a good guy, until he asked if my virginity was that important, and whether or not I was willing to give up my virginity to him. That was the deal breaker for me and we broke up. After that... I was single for a while, didn't really talk to anyone... Until Junior year, I met P. P and I had a thing and we dated, he cheated... and I broke up with him. I was not super hurt by him because by then, the I was numb from all the previous pain. I was kind of use to it. Of course I felt betrayed, but it wasn't anything too serious like the first time I was betrayed.
Not too long after, V.V and I started dating. We dated for a total of 2.5 years, on/off. The thing is, during our 6 months, I was tired of all the arguing, he payed more attention to his games than to me.. so I found attention in someone else, in P.B, and he treated me amazingly. But, that hurt his feelings, and he made me pick, him or P.B and I chose him. By our 9 months, nothing had changed... He was still ignoring me, my grandma was going through a rough patch, so we broke up.
However, A.M, A's brother and I started dating. YES, dating. I feel like it was mostly because that summer we were hanging out A LOT… and he was there for me when I needed someone the most. In a way, he filled in the boyfriend position that V.V lacked. Then we broke up a while later. Don't get me wrong, dating him wasn't bad or anything, if anything it was in a way like a fairytale-ish type thing. He was my best friend and a couple of our friends thought we made a "badass" couple. I don't know if it was because I believed we were best just being friends or if it was because I chickened out. Maybe I was selfish and only considered my feelings because I didn't want to get hurt? Maybe I didn't want to compromise our friendship? To this day I don't know why I made the decision I did… He looked out for me, had my back, gave great advice, knew how to make me laugh/how to cheer me up when I was down, and he took me places. But I guess my selfishness ended a really good friendship regardless…
Eventually, I started dating V.V again, I went back to what was familiar- he knew my ugly side no one ever witnessed before (relationship wise) and still accepted me. The rest of the time we were dating, I was miserable. I lost all feelings, but I felt obligated to be in the relationship… The even sadder part was that he was into one of my friends- they talked and flirted like crazy...
By now it was my senior year, and I had not talked to V.N for about 3 years. V.N hit me up during Reign III and we started talking. My boyfriend at the time, ignored me. Didn't pay any attention to me (what's new?). My grandma passed away and he told me to get over it. V.N was the one who was there for me. We started talking on the phone, he would text me good morning, he would tell me how cute my voice was... he... gave me the attention that V.V never did. V.N and I became super close again, and I suppose it was because those feelings for him never disappeared. The whole time we were talking, I was super into him. V.V. and I broke up April 2013 for good. I met T.B not too long after. T.B lead me on, but I think at this point I was use to being neglected and or lead on… so it didn't really affect me too much. I met T.N as well, and we talked for a while, but I chickened out the minute it started going somewhere… why? I think I wanted to avoid being hurt, to avoid being put in a situation where I would be emotionally hurt. The thing is, I never thought of that when talking to him… only when it seemed like it was going somewhere I dipped. It was not my intention to hurt anyone, but I did.
Throughout the whole time, since V.V, any guy I came across, V.N was there to protect me. He was there to cheer me up, he was there to give me advice, no matter how much it made him uncomfortable. In July.. I found out that V.N has always had feelings for me as I did for him. His advice towards me to help with E and H, whom I met this past May, hurt him and it was uncomfortable for him... but regardless I think he genuinely wanted me to be happy. But for some reason, I always find myself going back to him, talking to him… With H, we stopped talking because of reasons similar to T.B and T.N… I feel like with E, I'm starting to shy away because he literally could be the one, but I don't want to take the risk.
V.N- our personalities are basically the same. We're both sarcastic assholes. We show that we care by being assholes because I've learned to not wear my heart out on my sleeves. I was hurt way too much by doing that. He makes me feel safe because he knows where I am coming from when I act the way I do just as I know where he's coming from when he acts the way he does. Personally, I feel super safe with him. But the thing is he lives in NY, way too far.
My advice to the 13 year old me or any other teens out there who are "searching" for a relationship: you should never trust with all your heart, you should be cautious. Do not wear your heart out on your sleeves and do not rush into relationships. Rushing leads to one of many things, either you fall too fast and get hurt, or you fall to fast and lead someone else on and hurt them and make them miserable... or scar/fuck up their emotions and ruin it for their future relationships... Take things slowly, and only fall for those who have proven worthy of your heart and won't hurt or break it. Do not trust easily, make sure the person earns your trust. If they treat you like shit, leave- there is no point in dragging anything out. You're not obligated to be in a relationship with someone who treats you like shit. Also, if they fuck up once, they're probably, and most likely going to fuck up again. Or, if they say they'll change and you give them a chance to change and they do not, don't be pulled back in because he promises this time he'll change, chances are, he probably won't. Be super cautious. Be sure you and the other person are ready emotionally and make sure you guys wholeheartedly WANT to be in a relationship… you cannot half want one and half play around b/c then we'll just end up with more emotionally fucked up people in the world like me who is too scared to take the risk and go into a relationship that obviously COULD work out.
It would take A LOT out of me to actually get into a relationship now. Based off of how I feel right now and the track I'm going, I feel like I'll never find anyone and that I'll be alone forever… Don't be like me kids, don't rush into a relationship… b/c look at me… I'm comfortable with myself, I don't mind spending time by myself, I wouldn't say my self-esteem is SUPER LOW, but I can't even put myself out there anymore… lol.
