Lessons.

Before I make a post closing the school year, talking about how far I have come as a social person, and talking about how this year might actually have been one of the best years of my college career, I just want to make a post about something that I have realized over the years and I could not realize this without the help of two dear friends. 

As read before in previous posts, my history with boys, relationships, and "talking" to boys has always been rocky. Mostly because I tend to pick out the flaws in every guy I meet and find an excuse to shy away. Even though I am aware of this problem, I don't address it. The first lesson I learned yesterday is that sometimes solitude and loneliness can help with productivity. The second, pick yourself up when you fall down. The third, find someone who lights a fire under your ass and pushes you to be your best and do your best. 

In the past month, I met a guy who seemingly was perfect. It was not like I reorientated my life to make it revolve around him. But I would say he had the potential to have been a very important part of my life. I thought everything was okay… that nothing was wrong. But apparently, he thought differently because it has been a week since we last texted. Yes, he could be busy and not have time, but I'm busy too and I made time. The crucial factor here is priorities. It is obvious that I am not a priority. Which is totally fine, don't get me wrong… it is just it would have been nice if I was. It could have been the fact that I fall too easily or that I strongly desire a potential long-term relationship with someone seemingly stable, goal-orientated, and driven. Part of the problem with this is not that it hinders my goals and drive or anything… but I find that I work best when I'm not "talking" to guys, or when I'm not dating. Part of the reason why I hesitate to wear my heart out on my sleeves is for the reason that I'm scared of getting hurt. However, some accuse me of being an ice queen when I do that or say that I will never find love. So when I decide to take that leap of faith, I always expect karma or whatever higher power there is out there to reward me pushing out of my comfort zone. I guess this rejection (in a sense) is the world's way of telling me that it just is not my time yet. I don't have a problem with any of this. It's just, when I take that leap of faith, I am acknowledge the void I feel, the need to fill this empty space within me. When it does not get filled, I feel lost. If anything, the void becomes bigger because of that leap of faith. This is why I am so hesitant to trust, to love, and to wear my heart out on my sleeves. Every time I do, the universe loves to screw me. 

Okay Jenn, how does this make you more productive? I suppose, for me to avoid the void, to try not to feel the emptiness or the pain, I work more. I focus strictly on school and work SO much to the point I do not have time to worry about my feelings. Working dulls the void. Of course when I was talking to him I did slow down a bit on my productivity… but now that I know he's not interested, I have more time to myself… I have no problem being alone. If anything I think loneliness should be embraced (refer to previous post about the negative stigma attached to being alone). The thing is, I feel like I have become so accustomed to being alone that I thrive both educationally and life wise. I am scared I will become complacent with being alone - that I will be a lone for the rest of my life. The path that I'm choosing, the life career, the way I work when it comes to work and school - it is very easy for me to shut people out and to focus ONLY on my goals. I'm a workaholic for the reason that it prevents me from thinking about shit like this. Anyway, I will add more onto this post later. I have to work on a speech.