Before I make a post closing the school year, talking about how far I have come as a social person, and talking about how this year might actually have been one of the best years of my college career, I just want to make a post about something that I have realized over the years and I could not realize this without the help of two dear friends.
As read before in previous posts, my history with boys, relationships, and "talking" to boys has always been rocky. Mostly because I tend to pick out the flaws in every guy I meet and find an excuse to shy away. Even though I am aware of this problem, I don't address it. The first lesson I learned yesterday is that sometimes solitude and loneliness can help with productivity. The second, pick yourself up when you fall down. The third, find someone who lights a fire under your ass and pushes you to be your best and do your best.
In the past month, I met a guy who seemingly was perfect. It was not like I reorientated my life to make it revolve around him. But I would say he had the potential to have been a very important part of my life. I thought everything was okay… that nothing was wrong. But apparently, he thought differently because it has been a week since we last texted. Yes, he could be busy and not have time, but I'm busy too and I made time. The crucial factor here is priorities. It is obvious that I am not a priority. Which is totally fine, don't get me wrong… it is just it would have been nice if I was. It could have been the fact that I fall too easily or that I strongly desire a potential long-term relationship with someone seemingly stable, goal-orientated, and driven. Part of the problem with this is not that it hinders my goals and drive or anything… but I find that I work best when I'm not "talking" to guys, or when I'm not dating. Part of the reason why I hesitate to wear my heart out on my sleeves is for the reason that I'm scared of getting hurt. However, some accuse me of being an ice queen when I do that or say that I will never find love. So when I decide to take that leap of faith, I always expect karma or whatever higher power there is out there to reward me pushing out of my comfort zone. I guess this rejection (in a sense) is the world's way of telling me that it just is not my time yet. I don't have a problem with any of this. It's just, when I take that leap of faith, I am acknowledge the void I feel, the need to fill this empty space within me. When it does not get filled, I feel lost. If anything, the void becomes bigger because of that leap of faith. This is why I am so hesitant to trust, to love, and to wear my heart out on my sleeves. Every time I do, the universe loves to screw me.
Okay Jenn, how does this make you more productive? I suppose, for me to avoid the void, to try not to feel the emptiness or the pain, I work more. I focus strictly on school and work SO much to the point I do not have time to worry about my feelings. Working dulls the void. Of course when I was talking to him I did slow down a bit on my productivity… but now that I know he's not interested, I have more time to myself… I have no problem being alone. If anything I think loneliness should be embraced (refer to previous post about the negative stigma attached to being alone). The thing is, I feel like I have become so accustomed to being alone that I thrive both educationally and life wise. I am scared I will become complacent with being alone - that I will be a lone for the rest of my life. The path that I'm choosing, the life career, the way I work when it comes to work and school - it is very easy for me to shut people out and to focus ONLY on my goals. I'm a workaholic for the reason that it prevents me from thinking about shit like this. Anyway, I will add more onto this post later. I have to work on a speech.
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Last quarter, journaling, and motivation.
This past quarter was one of the hardest quarters I had thus far. Even though it was only 15 credits, the work load equated/if not, then surpassed the quarter I took 18 credits - four classes. This past quarter was also the one where I took on a 24 hr/week internship commitment. There were people who doubted me, they thought I couldn't handle this load. At times I doubted myself. In addition to this work load and internship - one of my friendships was compromised due to someone admitting their feelings to which I did not feel the same... throwing me further off track. But I eventually snapped out of it - Instead of holding onto negative feelings and negative thoughts, I journaled it all. Instead of moping around, lying in bed, or feeling sorry for myself - I wrote every single thought, emotion, and event down. Journaling was my outlet this quarter. Being able to release all these thoughts and emotions allowed for me to focus on what was really important. In addition, the friends I made this past quarter in my classes - Lucy, Sharon, Rachel, Sam, Andres, and Graciela, and a friend I’ve made several quarters ago, Daniel, really helped motivate me and helped me work my hardest. In addition to my long time standing support system aka my sister and my best friend Crystal. Although this past quarter was one of the hardest yet, I believe it was the most rewarding and self-enriching. Journaling really does wonders... Oh and I ended this quarter with an overall GPA of 3.9... See, working hard, losing sleep, and staying focused, NO MATTER HOW BUSY OR “IMPOSSIBLE,” is possible. People told me it was impossible to maintain good grades while committing so much time to my internship... I made it possible by managing my time and focusing on the end goal.
A GPA of 3.9 is my highest GPA of my whole college career for any quarter. For my Crime and Punishment final, I ended up with a 99/100, the second midterm I got a 98, and the first one I scored a 100. For that class I racked up a 4.0 overall grade point average. Overall, I think I'm really going to miss this class because of all the awesome people I met.
For my U.S. Race and Ethnic Politics class, I ended up with an overall grade of 3.8, one of the three people in my section to get a 4.0 on the first analytical paper, a 3.8 on the midterm, a 3.8 on my second analytical paper and a 98/100 on the final. I was looking at the statistics for the final and the max grade was a 98. This was by far one of the harder classes due to all the of readings we had to do. In addition to that, the TA I had a pretty strict TA who looked for certain things in the essays and the exam answers...
Yay, I managed to be at the top of the class. Lastly, for my Immigration Citizenship Rights class, I ended up with a 3.9 GPA. There is not much to say for this class except for there were a lot of readings and that most of the class material was pretty straight forward.
This quarter, I'm taking four classes again - a load of 18 credits. I'm taking two public speaking based classes in hopes of improving my public speaking skills because it is essential to have these skills when entering the real world. This quarter might be a tad bit stressful for me considering the fact I'm not great at public speaking since I'm so shy. Hard to believe right? I'm taking a political theory class... which is also hard because I'm use to writing empirically... not normatively. As of right now, I am struggling with my first paper due to not knowing where to really start. And then there's my LSJ internship class.
I'll post something else later this month... but as for now, off to start doing my homework.
Yay, I managed to be at the top of the class. Lastly, for my Immigration Citizenship Rights class, I ended up with a 3.9 GPA. There is not much to say for this class except for there were a lot of readings and that most of the class material was pretty straight forward.
This quarter, I'm taking four classes again - a load of 18 credits. I'm taking two public speaking based classes in hopes of improving my public speaking skills because it is essential to have these skills when entering the real world. This quarter might be a tad bit stressful for me considering the fact I'm not great at public speaking since I'm so shy. Hard to believe right? I'm taking a political theory class... which is also hard because I'm use to writing empirically... not normatively. As of right now, I am struggling with my first paper due to not knowing where to really start. And then there's my LSJ internship class.
I'll post something else later this month... but as for now, off to start doing my homework.
Saturday, March 7, 2015
Another quick update.
I don't exactly know how many people actually read my blog but here comes another post.
This quarter is coming to an end. Week 10 is this upcoming week and I'm meeting with a couple people from one of my classes later to finish a quick group project for presentations on Thursday. This quarter has gone by extremely quickly. I would like to say I've done a lot of work this past quarter pertaining my internship and my education. I've gotten pretty decent grades, I can only hope that my most recent project turned in and my second major paper receive just as equally decent grades. Decent being above a 3.5. Although I am a little disheartened that I did not get a 100 on my second Crime and Punishment midterm, I did get a 98. I can only work to do better for the final - Hopefully for the final, I score 95 or above. That'll get me in the 3.9-4.0 range for the end of the quarter. With my other two classes though, it is really hard to determine the grade I will end up with there. Partially because they are two of the hardest classes I have taken in a long time consisting of A TON of readings. Hopefully I end up with decent grades for those classes too.
Regarding my internship, I am learning a lot. I've been assigned several cases to work and I think I am doing fairly well. However, the last two internship days were cut short thus pushing back my progress on the cases. I hope to be able to finish my stuff soon.
Yes, it seems like my life revolves around school and work. However, I am trying to balance it out. Anyway, I have a ton of readings and stuff to catch up on… but I will be doing that after watching House of Cards - I want to thank my U.S Race and Ethnic Politics professor for getting me started on watching House of Cards, it's a really great Netflix series.
Aside from that, I haven't really been updating this blog mostly because of my hectic schedule, which won't seem to clear up anytime soon. I will try to post at least twice or three times a month on this blog to update it. I've mostly been keeping a journal on events regarding my life… I have found keeping a journal to be extremely therapeutic, however that means that I have neglected my blog - which I will not do anymore.
Last point, it's really hard clearing up my schedule for just anyone. So please do not take offense if something in my schedule comes up causing me to cancel plans. I don't want to burn bridges, but trust me, I will if I must. I cannot stand people who do not understand how high I hold my priorities. If you do not understand that, you cannot be a part of my life, why? Because I do not need someone holding me back instead of pushing me forward.
Anyway, that is all I have to say regarding this quick update. I'll try to post again sometime later this month… probably and most likely after finals!
This quarter is coming to an end. Week 10 is this upcoming week and I'm meeting with a couple people from one of my classes later to finish a quick group project for presentations on Thursday. This quarter has gone by extremely quickly. I would like to say I've done a lot of work this past quarter pertaining my internship and my education. I've gotten pretty decent grades, I can only hope that my most recent project turned in and my second major paper receive just as equally decent grades. Decent being above a 3.5. Although I am a little disheartened that I did not get a 100 on my second Crime and Punishment midterm, I did get a 98. I can only work to do better for the final - Hopefully for the final, I score 95 or above. That'll get me in the 3.9-4.0 range for the end of the quarter. With my other two classes though, it is really hard to determine the grade I will end up with there. Partially because they are two of the hardest classes I have taken in a long time consisting of A TON of readings. Hopefully I end up with decent grades for those classes too.
Regarding my internship, I am learning a lot. I've been assigned several cases to work and I think I am doing fairly well. However, the last two internship days were cut short thus pushing back my progress on the cases. I hope to be able to finish my stuff soon.
Yes, it seems like my life revolves around school and work. However, I am trying to balance it out. Anyway, I have a ton of readings and stuff to catch up on… but I will be doing that after watching House of Cards - I want to thank my U.S Race and Ethnic Politics professor for getting me started on watching House of Cards, it's a really great Netflix series.
Aside from that, I haven't really been updating this blog mostly because of my hectic schedule, which won't seem to clear up anytime soon. I will try to post at least twice or three times a month on this blog to update it. I've mostly been keeping a journal on events regarding my life… I have found keeping a journal to be extremely therapeutic, however that means that I have neglected my blog - which I will not do anymore.
Last point, it's really hard clearing up my schedule for just anyone. So please do not take offense if something in my schedule comes up causing me to cancel plans. I don't want to burn bridges, but trust me, I will if I must. I cannot stand people who do not understand how high I hold my priorities. If you do not understand that, you cannot be a part of my life, why? Because I do not need someone holding me back instead of pushing me forward.
Anyway, that is all I have to say regarding this quick update. I'll try to post again sometime later this month… probably and most likely after finals!
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Another quick post!
For right now, I'm deciding between whether or not I want my future to be one filled with politics and directly affecting legislature or to work in a law office and uphold the law directly... More to come on my road to finding out where I belong in the future.
Anyway, I'm done with my quick update! (:
P.S., here's a beautiful picture of my new MacBook Pro next to my old one, aren't they both such a beauty?
Friday, January 16, 2015
Quick update!
Hi guys! School started last week and it has been super hectic with all the reading and work that I have to put forth. I just wanted to post a quick update.
I'm enjoying my classes so far. Yes, my classes all require a lot of reading, work, and critical thinking, but then again, I don't mind. A three day weekend is coming up, and while everyone else is relaxing... I'm going to be working on essays for a honor society.
This past week, I received an internship with WashPIRG. I'm working on the Hunger and Homelessness campaign with students from my school! I'm totally stoked for this internship. I applied and got an interview with this law firm for a legal clerk/intern position. I really, REALLY hope I get that- I received word today that I'm going to be able to interview. I'm still waiting on the study abroad trip application to come out... but other than that... that's all the updates I have.
Oh yeah, I got a new MacBook Pro (:, the slim one w/o the CD slot. It's light, powerful, small, and I love it. I am forever a dedicated Apple product user/buyer. Everything with Apple is just amazing, easy to use, and simple... with my minimalist mindset, this makes technology so much more enjoyable for me.
Anyway, I've started out 2015 with a bang! (:
I'm enjoying my classes so far. Yes, my classes all require a lot of reading, work, and critical thinking, but then again, I don't mind. A three day weekend is coming up, and while everyone else is relaxing... I'm going to be working on essays for a honor society.
This past week, I received an internship with WashPIRG. I'm working on the Hunger and Homelessness campaign with students from my school! I'm totally stoked for this internship. I applied and got an interview with this law firm for a legal clerk/intern position. I really, REALLY hope I get that- I received word today that I'm going to be able to interview. I'm still waiting on the study abroad trip application to come out... but other than that... that's all the updates I have.
Oh yeah, I got a new MacBook Pro (:, the slim one w/o the CD slot. It's light, powerful, small, and I love it. I am forever a dedicated Apple product user/buyer. Everything with Apple is just amazing, easy to use, and simple... with my minimalist mindset, this makes technology so much more enjoyable for me.
Anyway, I've started out 2015 with a bang! (:
Saturday, January 3, 2015
"If you ever need me, I'm there for you"
Is the biggest lie a lot of people have told me throughout my life. Whenever it comes down to it, when shit hits the fan, those who promised to be there for me never are. What is the point of even saying that you are there for me when you clearly are not? Whenever I catch up with people and they find out the shit I've gone through when they were MIA from my life they want to blurt some shit out like, "oh you could have came to me," or, "dude I'm always here for you." Whenever I need to talk, or whenever I just need someone to listen to what I'm going through or a shoulder for me to cry on, these people are never there. However, they expect me to be there for them through their boy troubles, or through their financial crises. If you can't even be there for me through one of my emotional break downs, then what makes you think I'll be there for you when you need me? I'm tired of putting forth effort in a one way friendship.
I'm tired of all these lies, all these false promises and most of all, I'm tired of people pretending like they care. Don't waste my time. We're all grown ups here, there's no need to keep this facade going on. I don't owe you shit, you don't owe me shit, so let's drop whatever friendship we have and move on. You're not obligated to be there for me and you're not obligated to tell me that you'll be there for me when clearly you won't. I've taken off my mask for people to see… why can't you take off your mask for once?
I'm tired of all these lies, all these false promises and most of all, I'm tired of people pretending like they care. Don't waste my time. We're all grown ups here, there's no need to keep this facade going on. I don't owe you shit, you don't owe me shit, so let's drop whatever friendship we have and move on. You're not obligated to be there for me and you're not obligated to tell me that you'll be there for me when clearly you won't. I've taken off my mask for people to see… why can't you take off your mask for once?
Friday, January 2, 2015
I found some very interesting stuff on my old tumblr.
My first ever "Dear Future Boyfriend" post,
I am not the best girlfriend ever. I don’t try to be because I can’t try to be something I’m not. I’m insecure, I cry, I get mad, I get upset... and hey, I can be really cocky sometimes, I can get real happy and all that good stuff. Our relationship will be just like a roller coaster ride. Ups, Downs, Loops, Upside downs… all that stuff. I can stay committed; but only if you keep me interested because I LOSE INTEREST FAST. But I can tell you one thing, I will be one of the most memorable girl friends ever, because I have been so far… All my ex’s and the people I used to talk to say they ‘miss me’, ‘regret breaking up with me’, ‘can’t stop thinking of me all of a sudden because I was different.’ I will be nothing but myself towards you whether you like it or NOT. I will be brutally honest and I won’t lie. If there’s something you’re doing that is super against my morals…. compromising is something I’m working at because it’s usually MY WAY or the HIGH WAY. (Or you can just take the high way to my place ;D, LOL JK) I am real shy… I’ll probably get butterflies around you all the time… but I am real chill. I can “hang with the guys” only if you want me to. Shit, I can be one of the guys sometimes too. If we are going to be together, you’re going to have to accept some shit from my little sister because she is OVER-PROTECTIVE of me. She looks out for me. Weird right? Get used to it. (;
-Future Girlfriend
My second post,
I have doubts. I do things without thinking and think about my actions afterward. Sometimes… not at all. I might doubt our relationship but your job is to keep me from doubting you, from doubting the relationship. I know it sounds like I expect you to put all the work into this “relationship” but to be honest… I don’t expect that. But I do expect both of us to put work in. I will try my best to not doubt you but no matter what, I will always have doubts. I’m looking for THE ONE. I’m not playing games right now. I don’t want to go out with a lot of guys just to go mess around. I want to find someone I can be with for the rest of my life. So if I start doubting prove to me that you are the one. The one I can be with for the rest of my life. A lot of girls go out with guys… because they think they love someone. I want you to be someone I truly love. The only person I can say “I love you” to and really mean it.
-Future Girlfriend
Dear Future Boyfriend, (post #3),
Now that I am a bit older and wiser and no longer that naive and young16-17 year old girl anymore there are somethings you need to know. Since then, I've been neglected, cheated on, hurt, lead on, played and lied to. Most of it you could say was my fault for jumping in too fast, but I was young and searching for love… you can't blame me. Yes, it all sounds horrible but these things have made me a more cautious person.
I guess you could say I am stronger… but only in taking care of myself and making sure I don't get hurt again. Stronger in the sense that it's easier for me to shut people out than let them in and stronger in the sense that I am an ice queen. I don't wear my heart out on my sleeve anymore- I mean because it totally worked out so well the first dozen times, right? If you get the chance, go to my archives, look in the year 2014, under August at the post, If I could give advice to the 13 year old me on relationships, and you will understand.
If we are dating, you can expect me to question whether our relationship is "real" or not, you can expect me questioning you on who each one of your friends are, and or, why you're hanging out with this person or that person so often. It's not because I'm purposely not putting effort in trusting you… it's just too hard for me to fully "fall in love" or to fully trust someone because in the past it has ALL lead to me at my most vulnerable getting hurt. You can expect me to be a little cold at first… I hope you understand my reluctance to let people in so soon. But don't get it messed up and don't ever accuse me of not trying, because you have no idea how much I will be trying to make it work.
Because I am so "damaged," you can expect me to get really emotional. I'll cry, I'll throw hissy fits, I'll be extremely happy one minute and extremely sad the next. I'll care about you so much to the point you might think it's slightly unhealthy- which is a step up from before because a lot of people accused me of being uncaring. I will do my best to show you I love you. I'm not the type to say it or text it, but my minuscule gestures will be my way of showing you how much I care.
It might be hard to open up to you at first. But you need to understand that trust is a difficult thing for me. It'll be a process working up the ability to tell you what I think or how I feel. However, don't get me wrong. I believe communication in a relationship is key, and strong communication will make a relationship last. Don't be discouraged if I don't tell you everything right away because eventually, you'll become the person I tell everything to and you'll be the person I fully confide in… it's like buying new shoes and trying to wear them in… Eventually I'll be comfortable enough with you to share everything with you.
My past has shaped me into the person I am today. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret any of it. I still have a couple of my ex's as my friends and although there is history there, I've learned my lesson. You do not need to worry about them, even if they try to "go for it" again, it won't happen. You can trust me to be faithful to you and you can trust me when I say I know how to keep my distance from ex's. Although some of these ex's will be in my life as my friends, I will never ever compare you to them or try to change you. I expect the same from you; never compare me to them or try to change me. I am who I am and that cannot change.
There will be days I want to go out and explore the world and there will be days where I want to stay in bed, eating pizza and watching shows/movies. I don't care if you have no idea what we should do nor should you ALWAYS feel obligated to plan a "date night" type thing. As long as I'm with you, everything is fine. I will do whatever I can to plan some date nights as long as you put forth the effort and plan some date nights as well.
I'm a down ass chick. I can hang out with you and your friends if you want, if you don't, I'll give you your space. However, if I'm never introduced to your friends or "the guys" then you can expect a lot of shit from me. I want you to be able to hang out with my friends and or even go on double dates with my friends and their significant other. As long as you're down, I'm down.
I have nothing to hide from you. You want to check my phone? Go ahead. You want to check my Facebook messages? Go a head. Read my journal? I'll hand it on over to you. BUT, if you expect me to be able to do that, you should not be surprised when I ask to look at your phone, your Facebook, or whatever. Look, I'll trust you if you trust me. I can prove I have nothing to hide… you should be able to also.
I am stingy with money but I can also use money like I use tissues… Please, keep me in check and I promise to help you with whatever problem you have. Never feel like you're going through something by yourself. If I'm dating you, I will ALWAYS be here to listen, to give advice, and my shoulders will ALWAYS be here for you to lean on.
-Future Girlfriend.
I am not the best girlfriend ever. I don’t try to be because I can’t try to be something I’m not. I’m insecure, I cry, I get mad, I get upset... and hey, I can be really cocky sometimes, I can get real happy and all that good stuff. Our relationship will be just like a roller coaster ride. Ups, Downs, Loops, Upside downs… all that stuff. I can stay committed; but only if you keep me interested because I LOSE INTEREST FAST. But I can tell you one thing, I will be one of the most memorable girl friends ever, because I have been so far… All my ex’s and the people I used to talk to say they ‘miss me’, ‘regret breaking up with me’, ‘can’t stop thinking of me all of a sudden because I was different.’ I will be nothing but myself towards you whether you like it or NOT. I will be brutally honest and I won’t lie. If there’s something you’re doing that is super against my morals…. compromising is something I’m working at because it’s usually MY WAY or the HIGH WAY. (Or you can just take the high way to my place ;D, LOL JK) I am real shy… I’ll probably get butterflies around you all the time… but I am real chill. I can “hang with the guys” only if you want me to. Shit, I can be one of the guys sometimes too. If we are going to be together, you’re going to have to accept some shit from my little sister because she is OVER-PROTECTIVE of me. She looks out for me. Weird right? Get used to it. (;
-Future Girlfriend
My second post,
I have doubts. I do things without thinking and think about my actions afterward. Sometimes… not at all. I might doubt our relationship but your job is to keep me from doubting you, from doubting the relationship. I know it sounds like I expect you to put all the work into this “relationship” but to be honest… I don’t expect that. But I do expect both of us to put work in. I will try my best to not doubt you but no matter what, I will always have doubts. I’m looking for THE ONE. I’m not playing games right now. I don’t want to go out with a lot of guys just to go mess around. I want to find someone I can be with for the rest of my life. So if I start doubting prove to me that you are the one. The one I can be with for the rest of my life. A lot of girls go out with guys… because they think they love someone. I want you to be someone I truly love. The only person I can say “I love you” to and really mean it.
-Future Girlfriend
My newest Dear Boyfriend post,
Dear Future Boyfriend, (post #3),
Now that I am a bit older and wiser and no longer that naive and young16-17 year old girl anymore there are somethings you need to know. Since then, I've been neglected, cheated on, hurt, lead on, played and lied to. Most of it you could say was my fault for jumping in too fast, but I was young and searching for love… you can't blame me. Yes, it all sounds horrible but these things have made me a more cautious person.
I guess you could say I am stronger… but only in taking care of myself and making sure I don't get hurt again. Stronger in the sense that it's easier for me to shut people out than let them in and stronger in the sense that I am an ice queen. I don't wear my heart out on my sleeve anymore- I mean because it totally worked out so well the first dozen times, right? If you get the chance, go to my archives, look in the year 2014, under August at the post, If I could give advice to the 13 year old me on relationships, and you will understand.
If we are dating, you can expect me to question whether our relationship is "real" or not, you can expect me questioning you on who each one of your friends are, and or, why you're hanging out with this person or that person so often. It's not because I'm purposely not putting effort in trusting you… it's just too hard for me to fully "fall in love" or to fully trust someone because in the past it has ALL lead to me at my most vulnerable getting hurt. You can expect me to be a little cold at first… I hope you understand my reluctance to let people in so soon. But don't get it messed up and don't ever accuse me of not trying, because you have no idea how much I will be trying to make it work.
Because I am so "damaged," you can expect me to get really emotional. I'll cry, I'll throw hissy fits, I'll be extremely happy one minute and extremely sad the next. I'll care about you so much to the point you might think it's slightly unhealthy- which is a step up from before because a lot of people accused me of being uncaring. I will do my best to show you I love you. I'm not the type to say it or text it, but my minuscule gestures will be my way of showing you how much I care.
It might be hard to open up to you at first. But you need to understand that trust is a difficult thing for me. It'll be a process working up the ability to tell you what I think or how I feel. However, don't get me wrong. I believe communication in a relationship is key, and strong communication will make a relationship last. Don't be discouraged if I don't tell you everything right away because eventually, you'll become the person I tell everything to and you'll be the person I fully confide in… it's like buying new shoes and trying to wear them in… Eventually I'll be comfortable enough with you to share everything with you.
My past has shaped me into the person I am today. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret any of it. I still have a couple of my ex's as my friends and although there is history there, I've learned my lesson. You do not need to worry about them, even if they try to "go for it" again, it won't happen. You can trust me to be faithful to you and you can trust me when I say I know how to keep my distance from ex's. Although some of these ex's will be in my life as my friends, I will never ever compare you to them or try to change you. I expect the same from you; never compare me to them or try to change me. I am who I am and that cannot change.
There will be days I want to go out and explore the world and there will be days where I want to stay in bed, eating pizza and watching shows/movies. I don't care if you have no idea what we should do nor should you ALWAYS feel obligated to plan a "date night" type thing. As long as I'm with you, everything is fine. I will do whatever I can to plan some date nights as long as you put forth the effort and plan some date nights as well.
I'm a down ass chick. I can hang out with you and your friends if you want, if you don't, I'll give you your space. However, if I'm never introduced to your friends or "the guys" then you can expect a lot of shit from me. I want you to be able to hang out with my friends and or even go on double dates with my friends and their significant other. As long as you're down, I'm down.
I have nothing to hide from you. You want to check my phone? Go ahead. You want to check my Facebook messages? Go a head. Read my journal? I'll hand it on over to you. BUT, if you expect me to be able to do that, you should not be surprised when I ask to look at your phone, your Facebook, or whatever. Look, I'll trust you if you trust me. I can prove I have nothing to hide… you should be able to also.
I am stingy with money but I can also use money like I use tissues… Please, keep me in check and I promise to help you with whatever problem you have. Never feel like you're going through something by yourself. If I'm dating you, I will ALWAYS be here to listen, to give advice, and my shoulders will ALWAYS be here for you to lean on.
-Future Girlfriend.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Fake Friends
Now that it is so close to the New Year, I suppose it is time to write a post on what I experienced on the topic of friends and fake friends in 2014. I have experienced it all: half assed friends, fake friends, good friends, great friends, friends for life and best friends whether it is those I talk to on a daily basis or those who I don't always talk to but we manage to be close even after all that lost time. Sadly, I've gone through many transitional periods of my life where I have out grown many people. Although it is sometimes a matter of me maturing and growing out of the friendship or something happens to end the friendship. I was in a pretty toxic friendship what literally drained the energy out of me, and this toxic friendship has allowed for me to reflect on a lot of things.
What kind of friend I am.
I'm the kind of friend who would literally drop anything and everything to be there for you when you absolutely need it. Yes, this means when you feel depressed, when someone in your family has died, when you're going through a break up, and or something along that level of severity. However, when it is something as petty as helping you with a minuscule quiz that I completely forgot about because you failed to remind me, I cannot be held accountable for things you fail to remind me of. I am one of the downest girls too. If you're my girl, you're literally my girl. I will put you before any man and anyone else. If we're close friends or best friends, whatever you want to label our relationship as, I will be there for you. You want to get away for a while, I'll be in the drivers seat of the car waiting outside of your house for you. As a person, I'm busy with school. I want to succeed and maintain a decent if not exceptional GPA. In addition to that, I work. I have a busy life; we all have busy lives. Things are constantly going on, so it makes sense that I cannot ALWAYS be there. But you can count on me being there if the issue is as pressing as you wanting to commit suicide or if you think you're pregnant. But if you need someone to look over an essay, I can be your girl. But if you want me to do your paper, you can count on me ignoring your request or giving some sort of snarky remark.
Realistic Expectations.
If I trust you, you should trust me. If you don't want me to talk shit about you, you do not talk shit about me. If you expect me to come forward to you and be straight up, I expect the same. Friendships are not a one way street, like relationships, both parties have to contribute. You can expect me to be there for you whenever you need someone, but at the same time, be considerate. I have class, work, and homework to do, would it be realistic for me to be there for you 24/7? We all have things going on in our lives and we all aren't super humans… If you know that I am an academic person, you cannot expect me to always remember what you have going on unless you give some sort of reminder. Not last minute of course, but an occasional, "hey remember that we're doing this…" would be nice. Now, realistically, we aren't always going to be chatting, texting or in contact with each other, that's just too high of an expectation if you ask me. If I have you in my circle, then you are seriously in my circle. I don't have that many friends, so if I say you're my best friend, then you better believe that you are… I don't call JUST anyone my best friend. But being my best friend means I have a few expectations of you like you do of me, it's not complicated…
If you don't want a best friend talking shit about you, backstabbing you, spreading bullshit about you, why would you do that to your best friend? My recent end to a friendship consisted of a friend who whenever she was mad, never confronted me straight up, instead she ran to someone else to run her mouth. The fact it happened multiple times should have been a red flag to me from the start that she wasn't a good friend, but I brushed it off because I believed she was worth it. Instead of fixing the problem, she held it in for herself to contemplate how she felt, whether the issue was my fault or not. The thing that made me cut her off, was the fact she was willing to throw our friendship away over a miscommunication.
Instead of talking about the situation, she just kept saying she was done with me and kept bringing up the past. How are you to solve a problem if you keep bringing up the past. I understand friends are suppose to keep it one hundred with you, but be realistic here… you aren't talking about the problem at hand, you're talking about the problems from the past that were never solved because you decided to run your mouth to someone else. You can't blame me for something we never attempted at fixing together. Now, at this point I was seriously done.
People cannot expect me to be there for them after I have come to the realization they were deadweight on my life. Friends should never drag you back, they should be understanding, reasonable, willing to help you the way you help them and kind. Going behind each other's backs is not what friends do.
To conclude.
Nowadays, it is so easy for people to come into your life and use you, but I can see right through these people's bullshit. If you're my friend and you ask for a favor, I'll gladly do it. But at the same time, people need to know their limits. If you're always asking for favors and never returning the favor, I will feel like our friendship isn't being reciprocated. In addition, It is so easy for someone to be a fake friend, to use you for connections or for their own benefit.
To stop cancer from spreading, you cut off the infected areas. To fully cut the toxicity out of my life, instead of half ass cutting someone off by ignoring them (like she did to me)… I literally blocked her on everything. Blocked her on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, Snapchat, and even from sending me text messages/receiving her calls. No matter how much it hurts, if someone is not treating you like a good friend, if someone is not reciprocating the efforts you are putting forth, you do not need to keep them in your life. It may be hard, I understand… This girl use to be one of my best friends, we both went through hell in back, she was there through many crucial moments of my life, but the fact she failed to communicate with me when she had a problem and went to others to talk about me behind my back and refused to be reasonable and understanding, allowed for me to realize that she did not deserve to be in my life. She was literally deadweight, keeping me from moving forward.
Friends should never put you in a position to compromise anything: your integrity, your health, your safety and or your goals. Friends are understanding, they are reasonable, they are willing to listen.
Do I regret meeting her? No. Do I regret being friends with her? No. Do I regret having her become someone so close, someone that I confided in? No. I do not regret any of it because it was a friendship that I enjoyed, but at the same time it was toxic. This was a growing experience for me, it allowed for me to become a stronger person and allowed for me to realize when I need to draw the line and cut someone out. Of course not immediately, only after attempting to talk to them and try to work out the situation (and if it fails) should you cut them out.
Now, to end this, I would love to individually thank each and everyone of my friends who have been there for me this past year.
Candice, Crystal, Kela, Derek, Yulong, Vinh, Mariko, Chris, Andy, Tyler, King, and Daniel.
I would also like to give a shout out to my ex Tony, even though our past wasn't entirely great, you still care about me and try to make sure that I am happy. Several times this year, you took time out of your day to make sure I was okay, healthy, sleeping and getting my work done, he took time out of studying for finals to help me in my time of need.
Let's all remember those who hurt us, but at the same time cherish those who help us through our tough times. Cheers to fake friends, great friends, and to the many more fake and great friends that will enter our lives and impact it in various ways. Remember to never let it affect you too much!
If any of you guys ever need advice, or someone to talk to when it comes to losing a friend or dealing with friends, feel free to talk to me, jlynnchenn@gmail.com.
Happy New Year, loves!
What kind of friend I am.
I'm the kind of friend who would literally drop anything and everything to be there for you when you absolutely need it. Yes, this means when you feel depressed, when someone in your family has died, when you're going through a break up, and or something along that level of severity. However, when it is something as petty as helping you with a minuscule quiz that I completely forgot about because you failed to remind me, I cannot be held accountable for things you fail to remind me of. I am one of the downest girls too. If you're my girl, you're literally my girl. I will put you before any man and anyone else. If we're close friends or best friends, whatever you want to label our relationship as, I will be there for you. You want to get away for a while, I'll be in the drivers seat of the car waiting outside of your house for you. As a person, I'm busy with school. I want to succeed and maintain a decent if not exceptional GPA. In addition to that, I work. I have a busy life; we all have busy lives. Things are constantly going on, so it makes sense that I cannot ALWAYS be there. But you can count on me being there if the issue is as pressing as you wanting to commit suicide or if you think you're pregnant. But if you need someone to look over an essay, I can be your girl. But if you want me to do your paper, you can count on me ignoring your request or giving some sort of snarky remark.
Realistic Expectations.
If I trust you, you should trust me. If you don't want me to talk shit about you, you do not talk shit about me. If you expect me to come forward to you and be straight up, I expect the same. Friendships are not a one way street, like relationships, both parties have to contribute. You can expect me to be there for you whenever you need someone, but at the same time, be considerate. I have class, work, and homework to do, would it be realistic for me to be there for you 24/7? We all have things going on in our lives and we all aren't super humans… If you know that I am an academic person, you cannot expect me to always remember what you have going on unless you give some sort of reminder. Not last minute of course, but an occasional, "hey remember that we're doing this…" would be nice. Now, realistically, we aren't always going to be chatting, texting or in contact with each other, that's just too high of an expectation if you ask me. If I have you in my circle, then you are seriously in my circle. I don't have that many friends, so if I say you're my best friend, then you better believe that you are… I don't call JUST anyone my best friend. But being my best friend means I have a few expectations of you like you do of me, it's not complicated…
If you don't want a best friend talking shit about you, backstabbing you, spreading bullshit about you, why would you do that to your best friend? My recent end to a friendship consisted of a friend who whenever she was mad, never confronted me straight up, instead she ran to someone else to run her mouth. The fact it happened multiple times should have been a red flag to me from the start that she wasn't a good friend, but I brushed it off because I believed she was worth it. Instead of fixing the problem, she held it in for herself to contemplate how she felt, whether the issue was my fault or not. The thing that made me cut her off, was the fact she was willing to throw our friendship away over a miscommunication.
Instead of talking about the situation, she just kept saying she was done with me and kept bringing up the past. How are you to solve a problem if you keep bringing up the past. I understand friends are suppose to keep it one hundred with you, but be realistic here… you aren't talking about the problem at hand, you're talking about the problems from the past that were never solved because you decided to run your mouth to someone else. You can't blame me for something we never attempted at fixing together. Now, at this point I was seriously done.
People cannot expect me to be there for them after I have come to the realization they were deadweight on my life. Friends should never drag you back, they should be understanding, reasonable, willing to help you the way you help them and kind. Going behind each other's backs is not what friends do.
To conclude.
Nowadays, it is so easy for people to come into your life and use you, but I can see right through these people's bullshit. If you're my friend and you ask for a favor, I'll gladly do it. But at the same time, people need to know their limits. If you're always asking for favors and never returning the favor, I will feel like our friendship isn't being reciprocated. In addition, It is so easy for someone to be a fake friend, to use you for connections or for their own benefit.
To stop cancer from spreading, you cut off the infected areas. To fully cut the toxicity out of my life, instead of half ass cutting someone off by ignoring them (like she did to me)… I literally blocked her on everything. Blocked her on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, Snapchat, and even from sending me text messages/receiving her calls. No matter how much it hurts, if someone is not treating you like a good friend, if someone is not reciprocating the efforts you are putting forth, you do not need to keep them in your life. It may be hard, I understand… This girl use to be one of my best friends, we both went through hell in back, she was there through many crucial moments of my life, but the fact she failed to communicate with me when she had a problem and went to others to talk about me behind my back and refused to be reasonable and understanding, allowed for me to realize that she did not deserve to be in my life. She was literally deadweight, keeping me from moving forward.
Friends should never put you in a position to compromise anything: your integrity, your health, your safety and or your goals. Friends are understanding, they are reasonable, they are willing to listen.
Do I regret meeting her? No. Do I regret being friends with her? No. Do I regret having her become someone so close, someone that I confided in? No. I do not regret any of it because it was a friendship that I enjoyed, but at the same time it was toxic. This was a growing experience for me, it allowed for me to become a stronger person and allowed for me to realize when I need to draw the line and cut someone out. Of course not immediately, only after attempting to talk to them and try to work out the situation (and if it fails) should you cut them out.
Now, to end this, I would love to individually thank each and everyone of my friends who have been there for me this past year.
Candice, Crystal, Kela, Derek, Yulong, Vinh, Mariko, Chris, Andy, Tyler, King, and Daniel.
I would also like to give a shout out to my ex Tony, even though our past wasn't entirely great, you still care about me and try to make sure that I am happy. Several times this year, you took time out of your day to make sure I was okay, healthy, sleeping and getting my work done, he took time out of studying for finals to help me in my time of need.
Let's all remember those who hurt us, but at the same time cherish those who help us through our tough times. Cheers to fake friends, great friends, and to the many more fake and great friends that will enter our lives and impact it in various ways. Remember to never let it affect you too much!
If any of you guys ever need advice, or someone to talk to when it comes to losing a friend or dealing with friends, feel free to talk to me, jlynnchenn@gmail.com.
Happy New Year, loves!
xo, Jennifer Lynn
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