Ringing in the New Year

Personally, I stopped the whole new year new me thing back in high school. I understand that the New Year can be motivation for some people to change habits and that it gives them an exact time frame… but I think being able to change or start a goal at any point of the year, before or after the New Year is something that more and more people should work on. Why wait for the New Year? Instead of constantly putting things off, why not just come up with a goal and work towards it at any point of the year? Just do it.

If you're not happy with the way you look, or with the way you're spending money, with your weight, with where you are in life, why would you waste more time and put it off until the New Year to address those things that you despise about your life? Time is essential, and there obviously is not a lot of it. Everyday, people are working and moving towards their goals. If you decide to put off whatever it is you want, then you're just slowing down your own timeline. You're just allowing for others to get ahead of you and or allowing for others to take the chances you could and should have taken. 

As for friends, it doesn't make sense to wait for the New Year to cut people off… I don't understand the phrase, "I'm not taking these people with me into the New Year, I'm leaving them behind in the last year." Well, instead of dragging those people with you, why don't you just cut them off immediately? There is no point in having deadweight dragging you back, right? Sure, you want a fresh start, and what other way to portray this fresh start than through the New Year… As humans, we tend to pay more attention to bigger events, to certain time frames thats we ignore and take for granted the little things. Everyday can be considered a fresh start, so why do people just look forward to the New Year? It's just extremely time consuming… 

Now, don't get me wrong… I am not judging you if you believe that the New Year is the best time for you to make these changes, then go ahead and take the proper steps in making those changes. Personally, I think people who effect change when they realize what needs to be addressed are the people who get the most done. Now, that may not be true, but based off my experiences with people and based off personal experience, those who push their goals off till the New Year, are the ones who get the least amount done. 

Anyway, with that behind said, I can't wait for the New Year to begin. 2014 was full of great experiences, many heart breaking moments, a lot of personal realization, and was definitely a real self enriching year. A lot has happened, such as getting into my major, deciding to leave an organization I devoted a lot of my young adult life to, looking into internships more relevant to my major, building up the self confidence to make change, and losing good friends. I'll make a post about who I am as a friend and that whole process of losing a friend too, but for tonight, I'm just going to relax, watch movies and hang out with my sister. Yes, that is kind of lame. Honestly, I don't have plans. I did, I was invited to a party, but personally, that is not my scene. 

A lot of the things I have been working on this past year, and will probably be working on into 2015 is being more comfortable in my own body/shoes. This means being confident in my work, my answers, the way I present myself to others, the way I walk and talk… I want to be able to be myself without fully worrying about what others thing or say about me, unless it's constructive criticism. Tonight, when it hits the New Year, the post on "fake friends" will be up. With that, I bid everyone adieu for the next couple hours so I can pamper myself to get ready for a night dedicated to myself. (I think it's really funny how I've spent basically every free day I could, dedicated to myself… and if not myself, than dedicated to friends who are not deadweight). 

xo, Jennifer Lynn

Something new

This blog is clearly a lot more "personal" in the aspects of me ranting about life, my feelings, goals and such… and my tumblr is full of reblogs that push back a lot of my posts… so I decided to start a new blog! I won't really go into the details that much because it'll be a bit redundant due to the fact I basically explained it in the very first post. 

Enjoy,

jenniferlynns-stuff.blogspot.com

xoxo, Jennifer Lynn.

My frustration and eventual realization...

I don’t know if people are genuinely stupid or if they are just so uneducated to the point ignorance is bliss for them, but it’s getting real old, real fast. To start off, it is clear society has MANY issues. There are people who have a false grasp of certain issues, yet they argue their false perceptions. These people are wrong, yet fail to see they are wrong. Issues like systemic racism, inequality, poverty, racial profiling, police brutality, torture and a butt load of other issue are prominent at worth talking about to address and seek solutions. Clearly our society is fucked up. In order to move forward, I believe it is necessary to educate the uneducated. Don’t get me wrong, there are some people who are open-minded and willing to learn and admit they’re wrong… but there are the hard headed, stubborn dumbasses, who even when wrong, refuse to admit it. They believe that living in a bubble and being closed-minded will get them far in life. They refuse to talk about the issue and they refuse to be educated. How does a society successfully move forward if there are people who refuse to see the bigger picture and recognize the problem is bigger than just THEM.

Over the past couple months, the Mike Brown, Eric Garner, and bringing back the Trayvon Martin matter, in addition to bringing light of the brutal police tactics, and the release of the 500-page Guantanamo Bay summary, an EXPLOSION of stupid people were born on Facebook. I will start off by listing these people.

The people who argue that things will never change therefore it is pointless to talk about the issues. I’ve had talks with people who genuinely believe that school shootings, rape, racism, and inhumane acts will inevitably happen therefore there is no use in talking about it nor addressing it. Now that is complete and utter bullshit, and if these people do not change their outlook on life, I truly doubt we will ALL move forward as a society. The first step in addressing a issue is recognizing that there is a problem and actually TALKING ABOUT IT. It’s wrong for a reason… you cannot tell me you are content with life on Earth where repulsive things continually happen. I don’t think it is ever pointless to talk about an issue. These people who believe that society cannot change, are the people who don’t contribute jack shit to the greater good. I’m sure, when these people grow up and have kids, they’ll realize how eminent these issue are and they’ll wish they talked about/recognized the problem earlier.

The people who deny there are issues and believe that people are just pulling the racial card or the feminist card… Yes, there are some people who “pull the racial card” over petty things such as, “you pulled me over b/c I’m this race,” or “you’re calling me out because I’m this race.” I have many views on this issue… 1. If you’re a cop… and you pull someone over and they SAY THAT, they genuinely believe that, and believe the cops are out to get them because they are a certain race. You cannot change that fact, the only thing WE as a society can change, is to make the police force an entity that people of ALL racial/ethnic backgrounds can trust. If not, there will always be a mistrust, and this “race card” will always be pulled. In addition, if minorities are constantly targeted, constantly mistreated, and constantly in trouble with the law, there is no such thing as them pulling a race card because this issue is VERY MUCH prominent. Another thing that kind of peeves me, is when people deny white supremacy and or white privilege. You cannot argue that they do not exist because American is built on the very foundation of white supremacy and white privilege. If you do not believe me, take a fucking American ethics class, or a history class… learn about the history of people OTHER than Europeans and the Americans. In earlier times, this was justified by the “White man’s burden.” Now, if you refuse to, then you are part of the problem. I will make a post sometime in the future PROVING white supremacy and white privilege. Personally, it’s the funniest thing ever when people deny these things exist… THEY SIMPLY JUST DO NOT SEE THE BIGGER PICTURE… why? BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE PRIVILEGE NOT TO SEE IT, they are able to live a comfortable life without seeing the TRUE horrors within the United States.

There are people who believe educating people on certain issues will perpetuate the problem and there are studies done by white people where talking about the issue of racism perpetuates racism. Have you ever thought, maybe this study was done by someone who was tired of having their race scrutinized, therefore tried to misdirect the ACTUAL problem? Instead of addressing the issue in itself, it addresses a different aspect of the problem directing attention away from the actual issue at hand? Yup, you just pulled a fucking Fox News. There is only one argument I have that successfully portrays how ridiculous this claim is… Give me an example of someone who has learned about racism, learned bout the detrimental affects of racism, whether explicit or systemic, and decided to perpetuate the problem. Tell me of a time, where you learned racism was bad and that it exists… therefore pushing you to go out there and be a racist. If anything, not educating people allows the problem to persist... Sometimes even persist without the wrong doer’s knowledge.

The people who fail to see the bigger picture. There are people who fucking pinhole every situation. They see only part of the issue and fail to see the greater picture as a whole. For example, this girl argued that Mike Brown asked to be killed because he decided to commit a crime. She blamed the black community for it because they lack stable families, come poverty and have an unstable income. In addition, she says opportunity is everywhere, that the black community choses to fail because it refuses to find the opportunity. Now, what is it she fails to see? She fails to see that our society continually scrutinizes these people. She fails to see the implicit racism, the educational disparity, and SO MUCH MORE that I will discuss in a different post. Seeing the bigger picture allows for you to see that it is MORE than just the fault of the black community. The fact she even argued that it was the fault of the black community is an ignorant claim. These are the people who cannot see the cause and effects of certain decisions, actions, and or consequences… thus they will always misunderstand the situation at hand.

People who share their own experience and refuse to see the experience of others. Not everyone’s experience is the same! There are many instances where minority groups will argue that racism is not real because they have never encountered it. Well, maybe you were too ignorant to realize that you experienced it, or you were one of the lucky few. Just because you were one of the lucky few that did not experience these negative aspects of life and society, does not mean that EVERYONE ELSE who is of the minority group has had the SAME luck you have in NOT experiencing it. Not everyone’s experience is the same, and you cannot argue that you know certain things, when you fail to recognize the people who are hurt MOST by society marginalizing them.

The people who argue gibberish… when people argue that A therefore B… because C, D. No fucking connection of C to A or B. Those people can suck it. It’s like saying “White people work hard to move forward in life, therefore White privilege does not exist. Because minority groups don’t work as hard, they are lazy.” Ok, maybe that’s not the greatest example, but you know what I mean. When people’s arguments do not support their premise.

Lastly, I don’t know what’s worst, people who are misinformed or the people who are uninformed.
The people who are misinformed are people who have received the wrong information and continually agree and argue that false information. Whether they received it from Fox News… or some satire site, who knows. Then there are the people who are uninformed and know nothing on the issue and try to argue bullshit. These people are hindering everyone’s ability to move forward as a progressive society. These people have either received bullshit information that supports their stance on particular issues and stand by it and or they make up their own bullshit by not being informed. For example, there was this guy who argued that if a child were found to have a bruise, their parents could be arrested and put in prison for life without the chance of a trial… or habeas corpus. Of course, I argued against him and informed this idiot. Next, he tried to argue Guantanamo Bay was justified and that the inhumane acts were justified for people there because they were such a threat to the United States. I swear to fucking god, that is the most idiotic thing I’ve heard in my whole entire life. Did he take a class taught by George Bush explaining why Guantanamo Bay was justified? Or is he just truly ignorant to ALL the facts there are out there?

All these idiotic people make me pessimistic that change and a progressive movement forward CAN occur. But I now realize that it is part of the struggle towards change and towards progression. My ancestors have died fighting for equality, they have faced many injustices, yet they continually fought. All the social activists before me fought and put their lives at risk to get to where we are today. I believe fighting this fight is worth it because it WILL produce positive results eventually. I learned to never be pessimistic on this issue because that will NOT bring us forward. A positive attitude, perseverance, and passion will drive our society forward. I plan on being a part of that fight.

Life after the most hectic quarter ever,

This past quarter was a pretty hectic quarter. I know at community colleges and at semester universities that four classes sometimes is the norm, but some of you ought to know that four courses at a school that runs on the quarter system is a workload. The expected course load students are expected to take on is three courses. With that said, my four courses totaled me up to 14 textbooks; think about how much reading I had to do, how much studying, and how much the workload was that I had to take on in addition to working a part time job. 

To start, the things that really helped me succeed with my quarter making onto the Dean's List was not by lollygagging, but by efficiently utilizing ALL the time I had the whole 24/7 allotted time. Many people waste their time by doing silly things such as partying every week or laying around doing nothing. Now, don't get me wrong, hanging out once in a while and partying once in a while is healthy and a MUCH suggested reward you should work for and ONLY get when you have achieved whatever it is you needed to accomplish that week. 

This year, my 21st birthday landed on a Saturday. Of course it's all fun and games right? Literally, that was my busiest week ever. All four midterms landed within that week, and I prioritized everything so I would have Friday night and Saturday off without worrying about completing any assignments or assigned readings.

If I were to give tips to my future self and or to any college student, I would say a couple of things… 

The weekly view with additional memo space to the right for a more detailed/lengthy to do area.

The monthly view to allow me to see things in retrospect and how much time is actually allotted for everything. 

1. Your planner is your best friend. Now, it does not have to be an expensive planner nor a cheap one… but as long as it suits your needs and helps you best keep track of things, then you will be built for success. Personally, the one's I prefer are black leather ones, with a monthly view in addition to a weekly view, with memo's on the side for additional tasks and little quotes to inspire me to keep on keeping on. Writing goals, reminders, homework assignments and always scribbling down things to do will help for an easier school year. The brain can only retain so much information on top of studying and such… Pen down when you should start studying, when you should start your papers… I color coordinate things too, so the major papers, the major exams and such are always in RED, things with highlighter marks are pressing assignments to be completed and the other assignments need to be completed, yet aren't as pressing. 
2. Social media will always be a distraction. Realizing that before hand and having a ton of self control will allow for you to effectively utilize your time. Many times, I have found myself on Instagram and Twitter scrolling through endless posts only to waste two hours of time that could have been used in completing assignments. Being able to allot certain times to social media (preferably when you're commuting home and or taking a TIMED break from studying) is fine. Breaks are much needed. Sometime it helps to deactivate your Facebook… just a tip. And to let your friends know if they want to reach you, text or phone calls WOULD be the best option since a social media hiatus is called for when the busy time of the school quarter comes around. 
3. Friends come and go. Your true friends will understand that you are busy and not rely on petty shit. In addition, they won't waste your time arguing with you about some ridiculous mistake that was clearly made in the past. Do not spend time moping around about how you lost someone or how they were not who you expected them to be. Just know, if they're still playing that, "oh you're not a good friend because you don't make time for me," card when you know damn well you make time for them compared to a handful of other people, then that friendship between you guys is NOT worth it. Clearly, they're still on that high school shit. You being in your university career, know what you're looking towards and striving for. It's best to surround yourself with people who are driven and motivated because then they will allow for you to be driven and motivated and looking forward. Friends should never drag you back nor should they hinder your success, instead they should be cheering you forward. Of course, if your friend is depressed or contemplating suicide, take some time out of your day to be there, but if they expect you to help them with some stupid ass quiz… it is NOT in your job description as a friend to do so especially when you have a ton of your own stuff to worry about. College is all about burning bridges with people who drag you back and moving forward with people who inspire you to be your best. As college students we are ALL old enough to have civilized conversations without curse words, and bringing up past mistakes, and voicing whatever is bothering us… we are all old enough to USE our words to convey how we feel. As college students, we DO NOT have the time to try to read the other person's minds. So if a "friend" is playing these mind games with you, telling you, "you should know why I'm mad at you and you should know why you're a bad friend because you did this, this and this in the past," and talking shit about you with other people… do not waste your time. I learned this the hard way by giving one too many fucking chances to someone who used me for their benefit and took advantage of the friendship we had. As hard as it may be, cut them off; and FULLY cut them off. Not their half-assed ignoring you bullshit. YOU literally go and BLOCK them on everything. They aren't worth it. What's that phrase? Cut off the cancer otherwise it'll be deadly to you…? Yeah, it applies with people too, cut off the people who hinder your ability to become a better person. 
4. Take care of yourself. There's not much you can do, study, or retain when you're exhausted. Okay, a few all nighters are alright, but if you're pulling them five days in a row… then your body will over work itself, trust me, I know. Power naps are good… in addition to making sure you EAT. I know it takes some serious time out of your day to prepare meals and such, but think of it as a break from studying. Your body needs fuel… it's fuel is food and rest. If you cannot provide that for your body, then your body won't be able to provide you the ability to take your exam to the best of its ability… 
5. Break times are good. Not a break like going to a party for two hours every week kind of break. More of a, "I'll watch one youtube video," "my commute home is a break," "shower time is me time," "dinner time is time to spend with the family," and "this nap time will help me study better," kind of breaks. Being able to TIME your breaks helps a lot with studying. 
6. Never compare yourself to the people around you. Your friends should be motivation to you, not competition. For a while, I've spent my time comparing myself to this guy who was in most of my classes… of course when I did well I was ecstatic, but when I did poorly compared to him, the mood I felt was so negative that it made me question my ability… Questioning yourself in a college environment is NEVER a good thing because it won't help bring you forward, instead it'll negate you backwards. I believe, that everyone needs to believe in themselves and TRULY try their best… the only person people should be focused on being better than, is the person they were before.
7. Truly try your best. If you're going out more than you are studying, if you are starting your papers the night before it is due, if you are studying for exams the day before, and if you are skipping lecture and NOT TRULY trying, and sacrificing time to RETAIN information, then you are NOT trying your best and you have NO EXCUSE. If you question why you got a certain grade, you need to think about WHY you got that grade and NOT make the same mistake over and over again. Many times, I've taken classes with people who literally do NOT do shit, and then have the audacity to question the TA's or the professors on the grades they received. You get what you put forth. You put forth squat, you get squat. That's a simple lesson. 

Now, of course there are more lessons/tips to add, and I'll occasionally come back and add more by editing this post, but for now this is all I have learned over the many quarters I've been at my University. Now, I am treating myself to sleeping in, hanging out with family and friends, and rewarding myself by going shopping and such. Trust me, hard work pays off. If you sacrifice your quarter and devote yourself to your education, wonderful things will happen, and of course, when winter break, spring break or summer break rolls around, the free time will be worth the wait. It truly is a reward to a hard working quarter. 

Much love, xo, Jennifer. 

Black is my favorite color. No it's not depressing.

"BLACK IS NOT SAD.
BRIGHT COLORS ARE WHAT
DEPRESSES ME.
THEY'RE SO… EMPTY.
BLACK IS POETIC.
HOW DO YOU IMAGINE
A POET? IN A BRIGHT
YELLOW JACKET?
PROBABLY NOT."

-Ann Demeulemeeser

It has been a rough week. I have midterms after midterm the next two weeks and it's kind of stressful to even try to start studying. I feel as if school is just… crazy and hectic and it's making me go a tad bit crazy. I'm very stressed out, and I'm suppose to start studying right now but I just cannot even begin to study because of everything I'm thinking of. I just need someone to vent to, but I feel as if I don't have anyone. I will definitely begin studying a bit later today, it's okay. I will get my shit together, anyway, right now, I'm going to finish this episode of Weeds.

The start of school.

Since school has started, I've been such a grandma because literally all I do is read, write and sleep. I mean I work too and that isn't very grandma like, but you know what I mean. This quarter I have 14 books to read, and two of my classes are especially demanding because they are classes my major requires me to take. My International Human Rights class is actually pretty interesting and I enjoy it. My Drug and Society class is taught by one of the best professors ever, I super love the way he teaches! However, the way he teaches is super hard and it requires a lot of work mentally. The mental work left me physically exhausted winter 2014 quarter. The other two classes are VLPA classes/electives that I am taking to fulfill the VLPA requirements and... for some reason, they demand quite a lot of work too... but they are less interesting, sadly... so my excitement for those classes are quite low. Thank god I have a friend in one of them to keep me afloat. I've been nose deep in readings for ALL my classes. I'm reading like 6 books at once right now and it's so hard to keep track of which book I am reading. I literally set out a schedule so I know when to read and what I need to read and by what day. My planner is literally a life saver, because without it, I would be so gone and lost. It's barely even the second week school so far consists of arriving home, eating, and reading until I fall asleep. Or, if I'm working, I work, go home, eat, and then homework till I fall asleep. I'm such a grandma. My body has been super reliant on coffee as of late that I bought my own bulk of biscotti's so I can dip them in my coffee and EAT THEIR DELICIOUSNESS WHENEVER I DESIRE.

I've never felt so... over-worked, I guess that's what I get for taking over 15 credits. In addition to my school-ing, I am working. I've come to the conclusion that it's time to give up my position at work and move on. I have learned a lot from this position as a leader, a coordinator, a mentor, a facilitator and I guess as a non-biological mother to all of my students. So I'm looking for new coordinators, who share my passion for the arts, the need to spark change in the world, who shares the joy of taking students under their wing to mentor them into greatness, to take my position and I plan on training them so they can be just as proactive and able as I am. It's a huge leap for me to leave an organization that I have spent a majority of my adolescence at, but I realize that if I don't start looking for internships and jobs that relate to my major/what I want to do in the future, it will be even harder later on to find jobs and network within the field I plan to go into. It's so scary, yet so exhilarating knowing that I literally have control over my life and where I am going with it. Anyway, that's just a mini-update on my life.
My life has been kind of hectic and busy. I don't mind it though, it keeps my priorities straight. But as a kick off to the school year, you can only imagine how excited I was when I got involved with this mini-photoshoot type thing. Anyway, it's time for me to get ready or school! I'll try to update this blog as much as I can! 

xo, Jennifer

Stress, back pains, anxiety, and depression.

This past summer, I have had my fair share of stress. Although I did not register for any summer classes, I worked and dealt with a lot of drama and bullshit. I've encountered multiple instances where I was not taken seriously due to the fact that I am a woman in a position of leadership and another instance where my race placed a crucial factor in how I was treated. These encounters did catch me off guard and they also added a bunch of unnecessary stress. I have never seen so many white hairs in my head. Due to the position I have at work, it has added some stress onto my back thus additional lower back pains. School is starting to come back around the corner and I have never felt so anxious, going into my junior year in college has taken its toll on me, the question that I seem to always be pondering nowadays seem to be; what are you going to do with your life, what are you going to do with your degree, what job/career path do you want to take after undergrad, do you want to go to school after college, what opportunities should you take advantage of while you still can Jenn? I badger myself with these questions and other like questions. All in which I do not have the answer to. After pondering most of the summer, I still lack the ability to answer these questions. My inability to answer these questions have caused me nothing but sadness, low self-esteem, harsh self-criticism, and depression. As a result, I have picked up photography again, I've been writing and journaling non-stop (sorry for not updating my blogger), reading, and I've taken up yoga, all to expand my knowledge, to inspire myself, and to get my mind off the fact that I could be a failure in life. 

This summer vacation was a chance of self-exploratoin, self-identification, and self-improvement. I have found myself, I have found my present self. I know my values, I've set my goals, and I know myself now more than I did before the summer started, and that honestly is a huge accomplishment for me. However, I feel like the more I find out who I am and what I want, I end up encountering new questions without answers. But everyday is a new day, everyday you should learn something new about yourself, and I think that this summer, although I reflected and worked, was very productive and self-enriching. 

I need to love myself. I have self worth, I am worth something. In the past, I've always relied on a guy to reenforce my worth. I was never truly independent. I'll tell you now, that this past year was by far probably my loneliest years yet, but I'm not complaining. Whenever a guy use to show that they were at least some what interested, I threw myself at them. I craved a mans reassurance on my self worth. I was pretty pathetic. It all changed this past year, but the realization was not until this summer. The past year, I ignored boys. I didn't talk to a single guy, nor focus on boys because I focused on my education, focused on getting into my major, focused on bettering my academic career so I could be proud of myself. It was my first step in trying to be independent. I succeeded. I am worth so much more than I ever thought myself to be, I always underestimated my abilities because I never believed I could do anything without a guys reassurance, until I pushed myself. Because I love myself and accept myself for my strengths and weaknesses, I have come to terms with being alone and truly independent. I do not need a guy to reassure me of my greatness, I do not need to depend on a guy and I do not need to throw myself at every guy that shows interest, because by doing so, I am throwing away my independence and most importantly my self worth.

(Food for thought: I don’t understand why being single or being alone has such a negative connotation. If anything I think it is a real achievement/accomplishment to be able to accept the fact that you’re single/alone and to be able to spend time by yourself as an independent person.
I feel like that is what this generation lacks, the ability to depend on themselves for happiness. It’s rather sad how accustomed to company we are nowadays, to depend on the presence of another person to fully make us “happy.” How did we as a society get to the point where loneliness is considered foreign and frowned upon?
My friend, having company all the time is not truly finding yourself. Having company all the time and being unable to bear being by yourself is in all honesty kind of sad. The true meaning of being independent, is relying on yourself and yourself alone to be happy, to be content being by yourself, and not needing the presence of another person to make you feel comfortable.
Next time you see someone sitting and eating lunch or dinner alone, or if you see someone by themselves reading a book in a coffee shop by them self, don’t generalize and assume that every person is sad and alone because not everyone is. Instead of saying, “oh, how sad, they’re eating alone,” try to say, “damn, it is so admirable that they are able to be comfortable spending time to themselves,” because not everyone in today’s society appreciates the feeling of being by yourself, of being alone.)

I have figured out my values in life. That education is a priority and nothing should get in the way of that. I do not have a prioritized list in order because the couple that are up there are all equally important, 1. Family 2. Education 3. Following dreams 4. Work 5. Friends. They all mean something to me, and this summer I realized that if it were not for these five important things in my life, then I would not be the woman I am today. My work ethic results from my education and my work life, following my dreams has allowed me to find what I am passionate about, my family and friends are my endless support group. I value all of these equally. Quite frankly, if I were the person I was three years ago, I'm pretty sure I would have "a relationship" up there or "finding Mr. Right." I mean, they are important, but how important can they be if I don't have any of the five? 

Although this summer has been full of self realizations, I have also come to realize that I still have a long way to go to figure out what I want to do with my life. Most of my stress, anxiety and depression comes from not knowing the future. I am content with who I am and what  I am doing right now, because I know what it is I am doing; there's structure in everything I want to pursue right now. But looking further into the future, I am confused. It is all a blur and although I come off as a strong and independent woman, I am scared. The future scares me and I do not know how to go forward. 

Reading and writing has allowed for me to be inspired, to indulge myself through other perspectives, and to get my mind off of myself for a bit (apologies again for not blogging that much), yoga and skate boarding has allowed for me to push myself out of my comfort zone, allowed for me to try new things with my body that I have never done before in healthy ways. These activities has allowed for me to clear my mind. Skating allows for me to just cruise, to clear my mind and focus on nothing but the majestic feeling of gliding through the concert jungle. Yoga has allowed for me to clear my mind, find inner peace, and relieve some of the back pain that I have. This summer, I've been doing nothing but enriching myself physically and emotionally. My soul feels amazing, I feel amazing and the only thing that is bothering me right now is the mere thought of my future which causes this crazy chain affect where it dives into anxiety and depression.

When things get serious,

specifically when it comes to relationships, I tend to start to shy away.

It honestly is a nasty habit in which I have developed: To stay away from relationships and focus on school and my life goals. Because I've dedicated so much of my time to my school life and my life goals, it is hard to direct that dedication into something as personal as my love life. I suppose that is why I have developed this label as an ice queen. I shut a lot of people out when things get serious or start turning in the direction of seriousness. I suppose this habit developed because I always thought of a love life as a distraction or a hindrance on my goals; that they're time consuming. I always saw relationships as a huge waste of time because of the one's I've experienced; they ALL ended badly. I always thought there was no point in getting into something that ended badly, or even put myself in that position where I could hurt my heart, why get involved, when the safest bet is to just stay away? Most of my life I have associated being vulnerable with falling in love. Why? Because it distracts you from your goals, distracts you from being 100% in school, puts you in a position where you could get hurt, puts you in a position where you have to make sacrifices, and it is emotionally draining.

Because of all those reasons, I suppose I trained myself to just ignore this silly thing we call love, this silly thing we call "falling in love with the right person." Every time something serious even starts to come around the corner, I turn away. If I know something is going somewhere, love-wise, then I turn away. How I feel, how I act, my natural reaction to relationships and a "love-life" is quite contradictory to what I actually want; a serious relationship that could lead to a future together. The thing that is convenient for me, the thing I want most, is probably and most likely very hard to come by. I want a relationship where someone who will talk to me when I have time, or when they have time. It has to be convenient for the both of us because this someone cannot be a hindrance to my goals and I cannot be a hindrance to their goals. Clearly, I want someone who is goal-orientated, someone driven, almost as driven as me. I basically want a guy version of me. We cannot be distractions to each other, but when there is spare time we both have, we come together and do whatever, as long as it's together. I want this guy to think what I think. We have to be able to somewhat be able to read each other's minds because that is just how similar we are. To complete each other's sentences, to say what the other person was going to say, to be completely open to each other, to accept each other's flaws, and to say what is on the other person's mind.

I suppose the only reason why I shy away is because I have met someone who has all those qualities I listed above. I'm not ready for a relationship because it's too time consuming, and he doesn't want one because it's too time consuming, and we just have super busy lives. We are both accustomed to the "busy-life" which is why I believe we fit so well. I shy away because, why take a risk and settle for someone who cannot give me what I want, when I have this person who gives me what I want and is convenient for me?

I don't understand how I can take risks when it comes to my life goals, but when it comes to my personal life, risks are just something I'm not willing to take. I'm not the type to let things take it's course or "just let go," because I'm not comfortable doing that. I'm not willing to just let things flow or just let go when it comes to my love life. It has to be scheduled, structured, and that is why I shy away from love. Love is unexpected, unstructured, and unscheduled; all the things that I detest in life.

If I could give advice to the 13 year old me on relationships.

Or, if this post can reach all the pre-teen/young teenagers out there, that would help me be a little satisfied. 

It's quite embarrassing making this post, but I need to get this out of my system, so why not? When I was 13 years old, I had my first boyfriend, T. He was this guy I went to elementary school with for a while, and I reconnected with him through my cousin who happened to be his neighbor. T was pretty cool, we always talked on aim, on the phone, and because at the time I couldn't really leave the house to go see people, I didn't get to go out to see him that much... Eventually, the relationship ended because of the fact that he met someone else. In a way, that betrayal, the feeling of being left for someone else emotionally scarred me. How could someone just date someone, then treat them the way that he treated me? Pushed me aside and ignored me? Of course, him being my first boyfriend I was a tad bit clingy in trying to save the relationship. I was hurt, and honestly, I felt like I rushed into my second relationship. 

I wanted another boyfriend to replace the empty void inside me... and during that time, I met A. A and I met and clicked right away. We always talked on the phone and I guess, the reason why I fell for him was because he gave me the attention that T never gave me after he broke up with me. I don't remember the exact timeline, but T and I went out again not too long after A and I broke up. I broke up with A because I realized that I didn't really like him the way I did T, that A was just a rebound. I pulled a T. I was A's first girlfriend and I just broke up with him without a real explanation, I left him for someone else, I left him for someone who wasn't available. 


I dated T again... but it wasn't really a real thing. I guilt him into it. So during the course of that relationship he didn't really talk, and it died out. No one had to say anything, it just ended because it was obvious that he did not like me the way I did him. And by the end of eighth grade, I met D. 


D and I hit it off right away. I don't remember exactly how we met, and or how fast we started "talking." But it was one of those fantasy relationships.. you know? The one where you meet someone and you click right away. We got to know each other pretty fast and it all just happened. He asked me to be his girlfriend and right away I said yes. He showed me love and affection that neither T or A did, and at the time I felt like D was the world. But this paradise quickly turned around. We dated on and off. We argued and made up, broke up and got back together. 

During one of our breaks I dated T again. But I realized, I only dated him again because I was holding onto our past. I didn't love him anymore. I loved the memories. I loved what use to be. Realizing that, I broke up with him causing him pain because the third time around, he felt regret for how he treated me the first two times, he was serious the third time around, but by then it was too late. 


D and I dated once more during my freshman year in high school, but after all the bullshit he put me through, the last time we dated, it was a revenge thing from me. I knew that he wanted the 7th chance, I gave it to him and purposely crushed his heart. I was being spiteful. Because before the last chance I gave D, I met H. 


Now, before I met H, D treated me like a queen, but at the same time treated me as if I were trash. My emotions were played with. I trusted too easily. Someone said they'd change, I believed them. I trusted people way too much and in the end I hurt myself and I picked up a couple of their habits. 


H and I talked, and honestly, I really liked H. We always talked on the phone, always talked on aim, we cwalked together, it was amazing. But something happened where he just stopped talking to me... I was hurt, and that was when I met L, L and I were rushed into a relationship. I was his first girlfriend and I broke up with him because I realized that I didn't really like him. I had a crush, my friends pushed it forward and he seriously liked me... so that's where the confusion came in... I broke up with him and since then he's been mister playa playa lol... 

Then, V.N and I started talking, V.N and I met through SWAG, aka he knew H also... We clicked so fast, the thing is, I fell for him because he was mysterious, he was dark... and at the time, our personalities were not the same, we were probably not compatible, like at all. Which is why when J came in the picture, cut V.N off. I told him he was mean and that he was an asshole... but I now know that the way he acted was his way of showing affection because... he doesn't wear his heart out on his sleeves. 


With J, we talked for hours. We webcammed, we talked on the phone, on aim, we sang together, made cwalk videos... the whole cwalk community knew that he and I had a thing. It was pretty damn obvious because his best friend knew... but he cut me off. He pushed me aside, pushed me to the curb. Ignored me... and at the time A.N came in the picture. We talked and it was a real on and off thing. I was hurt, a lot... when he started ignoring me. So... as a result of my being hurt, K hit me up and he tried to make me feel better.


K, he talked himself up so well. He made me believe he was genuinely a good guy, until he asked if my virginity was that important, and whether or not I was willing to give up my virginity to him. That was the deal breaker for me and we broke up. After that... I was single for a while, didn't really talk to anyone... Until Junior year, I met P. P and I had a thing and we dated, he cheated... and I broke up with him. I was not super hurt by him because by then, the I was numb from all the previous pain. I was kind of use to it. Of course I felt betrayed, but it wasn't anything too serious like the first time I was betrayed. 


Not too long after, V.V and I started dating. We dated for a total of 2.5 years, on/off. The thing is, during our 6 months, I was tired of all the arguing, he payed more attention to his games than to me.. so I found attention in someone else, in P.B, and he treated me amazingly. But, that hurt his feelings, and he made me pick, him or P.B and I chose him. By our 9 months, nothing had changed... He was still ignoring me, my grandma was going through a rough patch, so we broke up. 

However, A.M, A's brother and I started dating. YES, dating. I feel like it was mostly because that summer we were hanging out A LOT… and he was there for me when I needed someone the most. In a way, he filled in the boyfriend position that V.V lacked. Then we broke up a while later. Don't get me wrong, dating him wasn't bad or anything, if anything it was in a way like a fairytale-ish type thing. He was my best friend and a couple of our friends thought we made a "badass" couple. I don't know if it was because I believed we were best just being friends or if it was because I chickened out. Maybe I was selfish and only considered my feelings because I didn't want to get hurt? Maybe I didn't want to compromise our friendship? To this day I don't know why I made the decision I did… He looked out for me, had my back, gave great advice, knew how to make me laugh/how to cheer me up when I was down, and he took me places. But I guess my selfishness ended a really good friendship regardless…

Eventually, I started dating V.V again, I went back to what was familiar- he knew my ugly side no one ever witnessed before (relationship wise) and still accepted me. The rest of the time we were dating, I was miserable. I lost all feelings, but I felt obligated to be in the relationship… The even sadder part was that he was into one of my friends- they talked and flirted like crazy...

By now it was my senior year, and I had not talked to V.N for about 3 years. V.N hit me up during Reign III and we started talking. My boyfriend at the time, ignored me. Didn't pay any attention to me (what's new?). My grandma passed away and he told me to get over it. V.N was the one who was there for me. We started talking on the phone, he would text me good morning, he would tell me how cute my voice was... he... gave me the attention that V.V never did. V.N and I became super close again, and I suppose it was because those feelings for him never disappeared. The whole time we were talking, I was super into him. V.V. and I broke up April 2013 for good. I met T.B not too long after. T.B lead me on, but I think at this point I was use to being neglected and or lead on… so it didn't really affect me too much. I met T.N as well, and we talked for a while, but I chickened out the minute it started going somewhere… why? I think I wanted to avoid being hurt, to avoid being put in a situation where I would be emotionally hurt. The thing is, I never thought of that when talking to him… only when it seemed like it was going somewhere I dipped. It was not my intention to hurt anyone, but I did.

Throughout the whole time, since V.V, any guy I came across, V.N was there to protect me. He was there to cheer me up, he was there to give me advice, no matter how much it made him uncomfortable. In July.. I found out that V.N has always had feelings for me as I did for him. His advice towards me to help with E and H, whom I met this past May, hurt him and it was uncomfortable for him... but regardless I think he genuinely wanted me to be happy. But for some reason, I always find myself going back to him, talking to him… With H, we stopped talking because of reasons similar to T.B and T.N… I feel like with E, I'm starting to shy away because he literally could be the one, but I don't want to take the risk.

V.N- our personalities are basically the same. We're both sarcastic assholes. We show that we care by being assholes because I've learned to not wear my heart out on my sleeves. I was hurt way too much by doing that. He makes me feel safe because he knows where I am coming from when I act the way I do just as I know where he's coming from when he acts the way he does. Personally, I feel super safe with him. But the thing is he lives in NY, way too far. 

My advice to the 13 year old me or any other teens out there who are "searching" for a relationship: you should never trust with all your heart, you should be cautious. Do not wear your heart out on your sleeves and do not rush into relationships. Rushing leads to one of many things, either you fall too fast and get hurt, or you fall to fast and lead someone else on and hurt them and make them miserable... or scar/fuck up their emotions and ruin it for their future relationships... Take things slowly, and only fall for those who have proven worthy of your heart and won't hurt or break it. Do not trust easily, make sure the person earns your trust. If they treat you like shit, leave- there is no point in dragging anything out. You're not obligated to be in a relationship with someone who treats you like shit. Also, if they fuck up once, they're probably, and most likely going to fuck up again. Or, if they say they'll change and you give them a chance to change and they do not, don't be pulled back in because he promises this time he'll change, chances are, he probably won't. Be super cautious. Be sure you and the other person are ready emotionally and make sure you guys wholeheartedly WANT to be in a relationship… you cannot half want one and half play around b/c then we'll just end up with more emotionally fucked up people in the world like me who is too scared to take the risk and go into a relationship that obviously COULD work out. 

It would take A LOT out of me to actually get into a relationship now. Based off of how I feel right now and the track I'm going, I feel like I'll never find anyone and that I'll be alone forever… Don't be like me kids, don't rush into a relationship… b/c look at me… I'm comfortable with myself, I don't mind spending time by myself, I wouldn't say my self-esteem is SUPER LOW, but I can't even put myself out there anymore… lol. 

A tech savvy world in my eyes can destroy humanity as we know it today,

One thing that I cannot seem to comprehend is how fast and advance today's technology is growing and being improved day by day. I can only imagine what else they'll come up with ten years from now. Technology helps us with our everyday activities, helps us by reminding us, allows us for faster communication (instant messaging), it creates a platform where writers can write till their heart's content, and it allows for people to hide behind a screen. 

One of the many reasons why a lot of people are so socially awkward nowadays is due to the fact that we spend almost 50% (if not more) of our time in front of a screen. Where no one can see us, no one can know who we truly are, and we can be anyone we want to be. We push kids to be social butterflies and yes, they are being social butterflies, but through social media platforms. Is that what we want? Do we want a generation where in person social contact is nearly impossible because they lack the comfort of a screen to hide behind? Or should we be doing something about it and pushing these socially awkward people into obtaining actual social skills by removing the screen? 

So much of live revolves around checking the news online, checking the water an app, documenting your life on Instagram, updating people on your life through tweets and sharing with your family through FaceBook. Does this not raise any red flags with anyone? What happened to finding the time to read newspapers? Or watching the news for the weather? How about taking photographs and developing them and putting them into a photo album to remember? Instead of updating people about your life through tweets, to CALL someone and PLAN to meet them so you guys can catch up? SHARE with your family  in person. Everything is so much more personal when it is in person, when it is written on paper, when it is documented and physically obtainable, when you NEAR a persons voice through a phone call, instead of reading what it is they have to say through a text, email, IM, or through a social media platform. 

Look, I do not hate social media. I can see it help us move forward and advance so much. I mean, society is already moving forward and becoming so advance. However, the problem I see, and the problem I believe that needs addressing is the fact that the newer generation NEEDS social media as a crutch through everyday life. That is not the point of technology. Technology should NOT be a crutch through life, instead it should be something that helps one through life but not in the crutch like way. One should be able to live through life without social media, and social media should only enhance life a tad bit. It's for convince, not a necessity. And that my friends is what I am trying to stress… 

On twitter, all I see are tweets about people who are cursing the world because they woke up late or over slept . Yet the first thing they thought of was to tweet it instead of getting up and rushing to get ready? I see tweets on how someone wishes they could talk to a stranger, wishes they could talk to their friends more often, and wishes they could see someone more, yet all they are doing is spending their time TWEETING about it, instead of actually putting forth the energy to plan it… 

Personally, I would rather hold a paper book and read it. I would personally put together a photo album and document my life with an old school and tangible thing, and I would rather write letters and mail things (however, I recognize that in today's society, needing information quickly is crucial…). I would rather be journaling this post, but I also enjoy posting on a blog.

Overall, I can see the pros of having technology be a big part of our society, I can see the pros of living in a tech savvy society, however, I feel like people often over look the cons. As a person, I think it is always a good thing to consider the pros and the cons, to acknowledge the downfall of relying on technology and trying to overcome the social awkwardness and to overcome using technology as a crutch. Using technology as a crutch is not beneficial to a person at all. (Will add more later).

As someone who is struggling with the darkness of her past and going through an identity crisis…

"Every story, even a true one, has an ending. Fictional stories have concrete endings, but the funny thing about non-fiction accounts is that life goes on and the journey continues. I have realized that my life is like a living, growing, expanding tree -- every leaf and branch has played an integral part in who I have become, even the bare ones. Ever since my awakening, I have healed many old wounds. I have learned that it is not selfish to prune the areas of my life that are unhealthy and not working." -Melissa G. Moore  

… reading the book, Shattered Silence by Melissa G Moore, has been real eye opening and has helped me a lot. Although my life story is nothing like hers, I feel like in a way we are very similar, struggling with our identity growing up, putting the blame on ourselves when the issue at hand has nothing to do with us, and being easily manipulated. However, reading her book and seeing her realizations on life and her advice in her epilogue has allowed for me to keep on moving forward. Although she realized that life moves on later in her life, I'm blessed to have been able to learn this from her at this time. 

I started the book just today, and it was nearly impossible to put down, it was a literal page turner. Experiencing the blooming transition of a girl to a woman, the struggles she faced and all the obstacles she has faced. The fact she was torn at such a young age and dealt with such struggles at a young age and overcame those obstacles, arising as a stronger woman is such an inspirational story. 

The first part in the book that really caught my eye while I was reading was when she realized at a young age that the only limitation was imagination. 

"All of A sudden, I felt like I really could be anything, have anything, that I was only limited by imagination." -Melissa G. Moore p. 35

It was so beautiful seeing her progress and grow from a girl to a woman and to see her realize that the whole time, she was limited because of her imagination, where she blamed herself for the actions of her father, the serial killer. 

In the end she mentions some really key things to living a happy life, in her words, "… I have sweet fruits of wisdom that I would like to share with anyone who maybe be struggling, no matter how big or small the problems you face."

Everything I'm about to type starting after this sentence is written by Mrs. Moore herself, I just don't see the need to put quotation marks on such a long section that starts with a list, so here goes.

1. Listen to your intuition. Some people may call this your inner knowing, your spirit. Whatever you call it, begin to trust that still, small voice inside of you 
2. Shatter the silence. Refuse to hold in secrets any longer. You really are only as sick as your secrets. I'm not saying that you need to bare your soul on national television. I did, but that was because I wouldn't find any other resources that death with my specific situation. I felt there was nowhere else to turn. To begin, I would suggest opening your heart to a close and trusted friend. Go and see a therapist if that suits you or enroll in a core-level accountability training program to rid yourself of past issues and bring in new energy to your life. Join a support group, or, better yet, start one yourself. You will be amazed by what happens when you make a clear decision to heal. Make that choice, and all kinds of resources will suddenly be at your disposal. 
3. Be the chain breaker. Refuse to carry on the shame of those close to you. You are not responsible for other people's actions, particularly their hurtful behavior. Teach yourself and your children the healthy habits of physical, emotional, and mental boundaries. Refuse to carry on acts of violence or shame rom past generations. It doesn't matter what you've done in the past. Ask for forgiveness and start fresh today. 
4. Take responsibility. You are not responsible for other people's actions, but you are always, always responsible for your own. Have integrity. Care enough for yourself to surround yourself with good people and to hang out in places where great things are happening. If you choose to put yourself in questionable situations, you can expect questionable -- and perhaps even dangerous -- outcomes. If you choose to associate with positive people doing positive things, you are more likely to be happier with your relationships and your life overall.
5. Make healthy choices in handling stress. You owe it to yourself to stay away from addictions. Drugs, alcohol, food, sex, gambling, shopping excessively, or another potentially addictive substance or activity will not make the pain go away, it will eventually only increase it. The longer you seek to escape from your problems, the more deeply they will plague you. Instead resolve to keep your body, mind and spirit healthy. Exercise often and eat a nutritious diet. Involve yourself in listening to nature or attending church. Living a healthy lifestyle is the perfect way to get grounded and centered, and it increases your ability to listen to your own intuition. 
6. Keep a journal. I suggest four powerful ways of journaling: to remember what you are grateful for; to release hurt, fear and painful circumstances; to see your challenges clearly and outline as many solutions as you can think which will help you realize you are not stuck; and finally, to outline specifically what it is you want out of life. Writing has helped me heal immensely, and I believe it is a powerful catalyst for change. 
7. Find your passion. I cannot stress this enough! Everyone has unique gifts and talents, even you. No matter what your past life has been, or how poor your circumstances have been to this point, you have a unique spark of life and there are things that only you can do. What excites you? What makes you happy to jump out of bed in the morning? What makes you want to embrace your day? If you don't know, it's time to find out. 
8. Be of service. We are all here on earth with the same mission -- to do our best with what we are given. But we cannot succeed in blooming our greatest selves unless we help others do the same. It is not enough to push through obstacles. We are all here to be teachers as well. Once we master a new challenge, we then have the tools to teach another how to overcome a similar challenge. Service to others dispels, sadness, loneliness, pain, and discontentment. From personal experience, I know it is impossible to feel the problems of your own day when you are lifting a burden for someone else. 
9. Seek knowledge. I have learned that knowledge gives you the power to make better choices. And better choices ultimately allows you to create your destiny. There is so much information freely available to us that can empower us to create a better world. 
10. Begin anew.  No matter where you've been, no matter how dark your past, you can step in a new direction the moment that you choose to. Healing is a journey, that is for certain, but it starts with a choice. The moment you choose it, your past can be your past -- it no longer has to haunt your future. Whoever you are, whatever road you've been down, all you have to do is decide to make a change and you will find it easier to see a new path. Follow up your decision with action and keep moving toward the life of your dreams.  

In a way, we are all artists in a sense working on our greatest masterpiece -- our own lives. Each choice you make is a brushstroke that paints a grander picture of your legacy. Don't keep waiting for your life to start. It's right here, right now. When you believe in yourself, you an become more than you ever thought you could be. 

-end of the section I took from the book-

This book, her experience, her lessons and her story are all within this book, and it has helped me start to find myself, thank you Melissa.

Exploring my own city allows me to explore myself.

So, I have decided to take this summer off and not take any courses. I feel like I have been working my ass off the whole school year, never had a chance to reflect on myself, do things that make me happy, and I have not spent quality time with myself, exploring the city and coming out of my comfort zone. Although I traveled downtown with my friend this day (he took pictures of me, photographers love beautiful places to photograph) I feel like I have also been able to be in touch with myself, I had the chance to take some neat photos and do my own photography thing while my friend was doing his. I have come to realize what a beautiful city I live in with unique and beautiful hidden stores and underground life that is waiting to be uncovered by an adventurer with a serious case of wanderlust. 

I am that little girl, against the city, against the world, who has a serious case of wanderlust, who wants to find very corner of Seattle and expand outwards. I want to travel the world, I want to go to the big cities like New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco and such by myself. Explore, develop as a person, and being alone will REALLY allow for me to come out of my comfort zone.

I'm only young for so long, I might as well indulge in my youth before shit gets serious. I really want to spend this summer developing self confidence, traveling, reading, exploring, and coming out of my comfort zone. I want to dedicate this summer to self improvement; bettering and educating myself. Yes, this means I will be going out more for those who are wondering. No, that does not mean out doing drugs, drinking, partying or raving. These things are just not my scene, I'd much rather be at home wrapped in a blanket, drinking tea, reading a book, or out indulged in nature and seeping in the beauty of the Pacific Northwest. I would much rather spend my money on activities that brings me happiness through memories and experience. In nerd terms, to gain experience points by doing things that enhance me as a person. Why would I spend my money on material items, or experiences that don't enhance my character or provide peace to the soul?

I admire all the artists that reside in my city, the street art/graffiti/wheatpaste I'm sitting in front of, I appreciate this beautiful wall of art because it brings such life to Seattle. I love being reminded of all the talented people who live in this beautiful city along side with me and being able to see beautiful pieces such as above, allows for me to further explore my artist identity. To allow for me to pursue my art and define myself as an artist. Personally, I believe areas like this bring life to the city. Why? Because it is an outlet for creativity. Of course we wouldn't want ALL the buildings to be smothered in art, but at the same time, little areas being covered like this, truly, sparks my interest and draws my attention to the area. Art hunting is such an amazing thing to do in Seattle because a lot of the time, you don't realize it, but you are a looking at art everywhere you go. The beauty of this city is that art hides in very crack and corner. 

At my cousin's work place, there is a garden on one of the roofs. Yes, a beautiful garden, a mini-nature get away from all the computers and work, from the hustle and bustle of the busy city, a minute to escape all the concrete, cars, and sometimes even people depending on where you sit. As seen in the two chair pictures and the picture below that i have snapped, this area is very peaceful, quiet, a good place for reflection, reading, lunch, and an area for a much needed escape from either work or stress. I'm glad I was able to have found such a unique place, it truly adds to the beauty of Seattle. 

I love the view of nature, but I also love how when you get to the edge, to the railing of the roof, you have such a beautiful view of the city, of the waterfront and you really see everything there is to see in almost all directions; South, West, and North. (The East has more buildings to the building where the roof is on.) This really is a beautiful escape, and this area has added experience points to my character. Thank you Seattle for being so beautiful, please stay beautiful. 

Be eco-friendly: I'm a vegetarian now b/c I want to live sustainably.

My sister and I decided to become vegetarian for the rest of this year because of a bill that this guy in her delegation thing for her YMCA CONA trip proposed. He proposed that we should have labels on GM foods and such and also because we all have the right to know what goes into our foods. For all we know, we could be eating poison. How many re-calls on meat have you heard about recently? Did you know  that tilapia is a fish that is farmed? They are fed genetically modified things along with more than half the other animals that we as rich human beings eat. RICH people, aka rich nations consume MORE meat on average compared to the World. The more rich we become, the more income we make as a family, community, etc. there will be more meat devoured, increasing the demand causing us to feed our animals MORE. There comes a point where feeding them means giving them genetically modified foods to help them get fatter making our meat juicer. Eating less meat will allow for us to live sustainably, be healthy and contribute less of a carbon footprint thus contributing to the solution of global warming. You all should take a global warming class, the shit you learn is mind boggling and it really does inspire you to make a change. The class is not as literal as it sounds because you learn more than why the Earth is warming and that humans contribute to it. But you learn things such as why it is so hard to predict rain (for all you Washingtonians and Seattleites, quit scrutinizing the weather men, they're doing a fine job). You learn about the different eco-systems, the different parts of the Earth, and I could go on and on, but I won't because YOU ALL really should take a class. It is morally rewarding, and very interesting topics arise out from it. These are one of those multi-diciplinary classes meaning politics, laws, writing and all of that will come in handy. The environmental classes help open your eyes to what a beautiful BUT VULNERABLE planet we live on and it really makes you want to do something to sustain it. Trust me, our planet is the most beautiful thing ever, and if you live in Washington and have been out in the nature at all, you will understand my concern on global warming and how we as humans can be so indifferent and careless about this beautiful planet we are slowly destroying. Keep in mind, WE ONLY HAVE ONE EARTH. We might not be affected by global warming now, but it will all come and bite us in the ass when your children or grandchildren or their grandchildren can no longer live a peaceful life on this planet. It would be such a shame if they cannot see how beautiful this planet is because all the beautiful places are destroyed.

To start off, click this link and read about the meat in hot pockets, I swear it is not spam. That is disgusting and scary right? What if you had eaten this and then heard about the recall? Remember when I talked about how they are recalling meat and how most of it is QUITE POSSIBLY due to the fact we are feeing our animals POISON?! "Nestle says the products may have been affected by a meat recall… Rancho is recalling more than 8.7 million pounds of beef products after it's regulators said that it processed diseased and unhealthy animals without a full inspection… the products were unfit for human consumption." 8.7 million pounds of beef products. I'll admit chicken and pork is not too bad, but beef is the absolute worst because of all the genetically modified foods. How  do you think the meat product became diseased? Because we are feeding them diseased/poisoned things just to get enough beef to meet our demands. It's a lot healthier to just NOT eat it.

After my environmental classes the past two quarters, I’ve learned that eating meat contributes to global warming because of all the crops that they feed the cows and such to get them to become FAT ENOUGH to slaughter and turn into food for us. All the plowing, fertilizers, the mass planting, and everything leads to emissions of CO2, and the CO2 goes into the atmosphere and contributes to the warming of this planet. It is proven that as a family, or a nation, becomes richer, they will start eating more meat. Because we need more meat, they try to grow crops faster to feed the many cows in order to meet the demands. More than 2/3’s of the crops go to feeding animals. Crazy insane. A lot of these foods fed to cows are genetically modified too. It is a far stretch to stop eating meat just to help lessen the demand, but me and my sister are only two people out of the billions. 

I really want to make this planet a better place besides just saving energy, saving water, saving electricity and recycling. I want to live sustainably. I want there to be a planet, a bearable planet for my children and grandchildren and their children to live on. I don’t want to fuck this planet up anymore than it already is. So, in order to do so, I need to contribute to helping the world become more sustainable. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an extreme, tree hugging, eco-facist. But I do care for being green and eco-friendly. I’m beyond thankful I live in such an environmentally friendly state and that I go to such an eco-friendly school. I want to be able to preserve all the beautiful landscapes, and hiking trails, and all the national parks so the people in the future can see how beautiful Washington is. 

Washington, according to the EPA’s new CO2 bill announced on Monday June 2nd, is expected to cut CO2 emissions WAY MORE than the rest of the nation. Washington is expected to cut 72% of their emissions because of how well we are doing right now anyway. 8% of the nation uses hydro-electricity, while in Washington, 68% of our power is generated through it.

This image shows the CO2 emissions of each state through the emissions per megawatt-hour of power in the United States in the year 2012. Note that Washington emits 400 or less.

According to EPA's new bill passed for lowering CO2 emissions, Washington is expected to cut over 60% of it's emissions, WAY higher than the nations average, (mostly because we are awesome, most likely can do it, and are so eco-friendly) and if you read the bill specifically, 72% cut in emissions.

Again, I am proud to live in such an eco-friendly state. These are some of the reasons why I decided to become vegetarian. I checked my carbon footprint, and based on the way I live, if everyone lived like me when I ate meat, we would need one and a half Earths (keep in mind I take the bus, I carpool, I save water, energy, electricity, and use energy efficient appliances). Becoming vegetarian helped lower my carbon footprint a lot. Consider the things you do, the things you eat, and the things you buy and how much of an impact it all has on the environment. Think GREEN.

A lot of people cringe at the mere thought of becoming vegetarian. They question why and do not understand the reason as to why. Besides the positive impact on the Earth it is just straight up, plainly HEALTHIER.  I guess one of the things I should clear up about being vegetarian is that there are a lot of misconceptions. It is not JUST salads, greens, tofu and fruits. I mean look at this burger…

made 100% from plants. Veggie Grill serves food that we can feel good about, they are proudly committed to serving 100% plant based food, anything they serve has no meat, dairy, eggs, cholesterol, animal fat or trans fat. I’m sure there are other great vegetarian places, but this is definitely one of them on the list for me and my sister. I’m so stoked to go the rest of this year and possibly go into next year without eating meat knowing there are such wonderful eating options in Washington.

I know, I’m a tad bit weird for making this post, but it’s just something I had to post. It's a thought that has been lingering in my mind and here it is out for all of you guys to read and understand why I decide to do the things I do. 

Normally, I always think things through before  I act. I am a over thinker, and I try to see the positive and the negative consequences of my actions before I do something. I've put a lot of thought into this, and the pros certainly outweigh the cons. It impacts the planet and my health in a very positive way, so why not do it? I do not do things on impulse, and this vegetarian thing is definitely not an impulse act. I have decided this is what I want to do, and the reason as to why is because I cannot see the negative. 

Get out there, take a global warming or environmental class, it will open your eyes. It will help you see how beautiful yet vulnerable this planet is. Now, to end this post, I will say thanks for reading why I decided to become vegetarian and thanks for reading my concerns about the planet's future. And please consider being vegetarian (;