It has been a rough week. I have midterms after midterm the next two weeks and it's kind of stressful to even try to start studying. I feel as if school is just… crazy and hectic and it's making me go a tad bit crazy. I'm very stressed out, and I'm suppose to start studying right now but I just cannot even begin to study because of everything I'm thinking of. I just need someone to vent to, but I feel as if I don't have anyone. I will definitely begin studying a bit later today, it's okay. I will get my shit together, anyway, right now, I'm going to finish this episode of Weeds.

The start of school.

Since school has started, I've been such a grandma because literally all I do is read, write and sleep. I mean I work too and that isn't very grandma like, but you know what I mean. This quarter I have 14 books to read, and two of my classes are especially demanding because they are classes my major requires me to take. My International Human Rights class is actually pretty interesting and I enjoy it. My Drug and Society class is taught by one of the best professors ever, I super love the way he teaches! However, the way he teaches is super hard and it requires a lot of work mentally. The mental work left me physically exhausted winter 2014 quarter. The other two classes are VLPA classes/electives that I am taking to fulfill the VLPA requirements and... for some reason, they demand quite a lot of work too... but they are less interesting, sadly... so my excitement for those classes are quite low. Thank god I have a friend in one of them to keep me afloat. I've been nose deep in readings for ALL my classes. I'm reading like 6 books at once right now and it's so hard to keep track of which book I am reading. I literally set out a schedule so I know when to read and what I need to read and by what day. My planner is literally a life saver, because without it, I would be so gone and lost. It's barely even the second week school so far consists of arriving home, eating, and reading until I fall asleep. Or, if I'm working, I work, go home, eat, and then homework till I fall asleep. I'm such a grandma. My body has been super reliant on coffee as of late that I bought my own bulk of biscotti's so I can dip them in my coffee and EAT THEIR DELICIOUSNESS WHENEVER I DESIRE.

I've never felt so... over-worked, I guess that's what I get for taking over 15 credits. In addition to my school-ing, I am working. I've come to the conclusion that it's time to give up my position at work and move on. I have learned a lot from this position as a leader, a coordinator, a mentor, a facilitator and I guess as a non-biological mother to all of my students. So I'm looking for new coordinators, who share my passion for the arts, the need to spark change in the world, who shares the joy of taking students under their wing to mentor them into greatness, to take my position and I plan on training them so they can be just as proactive and able as I am. It's a huge leap for me to leave an organization that I have spent a majority of my adolescence at, but I realize that if I don't start looking for internships and jobs that relate to my major/what I want to do in the future, it will be even harder later on to find jobs and network within the field I plan to go into. It's so scary, yet so exhilarating knowing that I literally have control over my life and where I am going with it. Anyway, that's just a mini-update on my life.
My life has been kind of hectic and busy. I don't mind it though, it keeps my priorities straight. But as a kick off to the school year, you can only imagine how excited I was when I got involved with this mini-photoshoot type thing. Anyway, it's time for me to get ready or school! I'll try to update this blog as much as I can! 

xo, Jennifer

Stress, back pains, anxiety, and depression.

This past summer, I have had my fair share of stress. Although I did not register for any summer classes, I worked and dealt with a lot of drama and bullshit. I've encountered multiple instances where I was not taken seriously due to the fact that I am a woman in a position of leadership and another instance where my race placed a crucial factor in how I was treated. These encounters did catch me off guard and they also added a bunch of unnecessary stress. I have never seen so many white hairs in my head. Due to the position I have at work, it has added some stress onto my back thus additional lower back pains. School is starting to come back around the corner and I have never felt so anxious, going into my junior year in college has taken its toll on me, the question that I seem to always be pondering nowadays seem to be; what are you going to do with your life, what are you going to do with your degree, what job/career path do you want to take after undergrad, do you want to go to school after college, what opportunities should you take advantage of while you still can Jenn? I badger myself with these questions and other like questions. All in which I do not have the answer to. After pondering most of the summer, I still lack the ability to answer these questions. My inability to answer these questions have caused me nothing but sadness, low self-esteem, harsh self-criticism, and depression. As a result, I have picked up photography again, I've been writing and journaling non-stop (sorry for not updating my blogger), reading, and I've taken up yoga, all to expand my knowledge, to inspire myself, and to get my mind off the fact that I could be a failure in life. 

This summer vacation was a chance of self-exploratoin, self-identification, and self-improvement. I have found myself, I have found my present self. I know my values, I've set my goals, and I know myself now more than I did before the summer started, and that honestly is a huge accomplishment for me. However, I feel like the more I find out who I am and what I want, I end up encountering new questions without answers. But everyday is a new day, everyday you should learn something new about yourself, and I think that this summer, although I reflected and worked, was very productive and self-enriching. 

I need to love myself. I have self worth, I am worth something. In the past, I've always relied on a guy to reenforce my worth. I was never truly independent. I'll tell you now, that this past year was by far probably my loneliest years yet, but I'm not complaining. Whenever a guy use to show that they were at least some what interested, I threw myself at them. I craved a mans reassurance on my self worth. I was pretty pathetic. It all changed this past year, but the realization was not until this summer. The past year, I ignored boys. I didn't talk to a single guy, nor focus on boys because I focused on my education, focused on getting into my major, focused on bettering my academic career so I could be proud of myself. It was my first step in trying to be independent. I succeeded. I am worth so much more than I ever thought myself to be, I always underestimated my abilities because I never believed I could do anything without a guys reassurance, until I pushed myself. Because I love myself and accept myself for my strengths and weaknesses, I have come to terms with being alone and truly independent. I do not need a guy to reassure me of my greatness, I do not need to depend on a guy and I do not need to throw myself at every guy that shows interest, because by doing so, I am throwing away my independence and most importantly my self worth.

(Food for thought: I don’t understand why being single or being alone has such a negative connotation. If anything I think it is a real achievement/accomplishment to be able to accept the fact that you’re single/alone and to be able to spend time by yourself as an independent person.
I feel like that is what this generation lacks, the ability to depend on themselves for happiness. It’s rather sad how accustomed to company we are nowadays, to depend on the presence of another person to fully make us “happy.” How did we as a society get to the point where loneliness is considered foreign and frowned upon?
My friend, having company all the time is not truly finding yourself. Having company all the time and being unable to bear being by yourself is in all honesty kind of sad. The true meaning of being independent, is relying on yourself and yourself alone to be happy, to be content being by yourself, and not needing the presence of another person to make you feel comfortable.
Next time you see someone sitting and eating lunch or dinner alone, or if you see someone by themselves reading a book in a coffee shop by them self, don’t generalize and assume that every person is sad and alone because not everyone is. Instead of saying, “oh, how sad, they’re eating alone,” try to say, “damn, it is so admirable that they are able to be comfortable spending time to themselves,” because not everyone in today’s society appreciates the feeling of being by yourself, of being alone.)

I have figured out my values in life. That education is a priority and nothing should get in the way of that. I do not have a prioritized list in order because the couple that are up there are all equally important, 1. Family 2. Education 3. Following dreams 4. Work 5. Friends. They all mean something to me, and this summer I realized that if it were not for these five important things in my life, then I would not be the woman I am today. My work ethic results from my education and my work life, following my dreams has allowed me to find what I am passionate about, my family and friends are my endless support group. I value all of these equally. Quite frankly, if I were the person I was three years ago, I'm pretty sure I would have "a relationship" up there or "finding Mr. Right." I mean, they are important, but how important can they be if I don't have any of the five? 

Although this summer has been full of self realizations, I have also come to realize that I still have a long way to go to figure out what I want to do with my life. Most of my stress, anxiety and depression comes from not knowing the future. I am content with who I am and what  I am doing right now, because I know what it is I am doing; there's structure in everything I want to pursue right now. But looking further into the future, I am confused. It is all a blur and although I come off as a strong and independent woman, I am scared. The future scares me and I do not know how to go forward. 

Reading and writing has allowed for me to be inspired, to indulge myself through other perspectives, and to get my mind off of myself for a bit (apologies again for not blogging that much), yoga and skate boarding has allowed for me to push myself out of my comfort zone, allowed for me to try new things with my body that I have never done before in healthy ways. These activities has allowed for me to clear my mind. Skating allows for me to just cruise, to clear my mind and focus on nothing but the majestic feeling of gliding through the concert jungle. Yoga has allowed for me to clear my mind, find inner peace, and relieve some of the back pain that I have. This summer, I've been doing nothing but enriching myself physically and emotionally. My soul feels amazing, I feel amazing and the only thing that is bothering me right now is the mere thought of my future which causes this crazy chain affect where it dives into anxiety and depression.

When things get serious,

specifically when it comes to relationships, I tend to start to shy away.

It honestly is a nasty habit in which I have developed: To stay away from relationships and focus on school and my life goals. Because I've dedicated so much of my time to my school life and my life goals, it is hard to direct that dedication into something as personal as my love life. I suppose that is why I have developed this label as an ice queen. I shut a lot of people out when things get serious or start turning in the direction of seriousness. I suppose this habit developed because I always thought of a love life as a distraction or a hindrance on my goals; that they're time consuming. I always saw relationships as a huge waste of time because of the one's I've experienced; they ALL ended badly. I always thought there was no point in getting into something that ended badly, or even put myself in that position where I could hurt my heart, why get involved, when the safest bet is to just stay away? Most of my life I have associated being vulnerable with falling in love. Why? Because it distracts you from your goals, distracts you from being 100% in school, puts you in a position where you could get hurt, puts you in a position where you have to make sacrifices, and it is emotionally draining.

Because of all those reasons, I suppose I trained myself to just ignore this silly thing we call love, this silly thing we call "falling in love with the right person." Every time something serious even starts to come around the corner, I turn away. If I know something is going somewhere, love-wise, then I turn away. How I feel, how I act, my natural reaction to relationships and a "love-life" is quite contradictory to what I actually want; a serious relationship that could lead to a future together. The thing that is convenient for me, the thing I want most, is probably and most likely very hard to come by. I want a relationship where someone who will talk to me when I have time, or when they have time. It has to be convenient for the both of us because this someone cannot be a hindrance to my goals and I cannot be a hindrance to their goals. Clearly, I want someone who is goal-orientated, someone driven, almost as driven as me. I basically want a guy version of me. We cannot be distractions to each other, but when there is spare time we both have, we come together and do whatever, as long as it's together. I want this guy to think what I think. We have to be able to somewhat be able to read each other's minds because that is just how similar we are. To complete each other's sentences, to say what the other person was going to say, to be completely open to each other, to accept each other's flaws, and to say what is on the other person's mind.

I suppose the only reason why I shy away is because I have met someone who has all those qualities I listed above. I'm not ready for a relationship because it's too time consuming, and he doesn't want one because it's too time consuming, and we just have super busy lives. We are both accustomed to the "busy-life" which is why I believe we fit so well. I shy away because, why take a risk and settle for someone who cannot give me what I want, when I have this person who gives me what I want and is convenient for me?

I don't understand how I can take risks when it comes to my life goals, but when it comes to my personal life, risks are just something I'm not willing to take. I'm not the type to let things take it's course or "just let go," because I'm not comfortable doing that. I'm not willing to just let things flow or just let go when it comes to my love life. It has to be scheduled, structured, and that is why I shy away from love. Love is unexpected, unstructured, and unscheduled; all the things that I detest in life.

If I could give advice to the 13 year old me on relationships.

Or, if this post can reach all the pre-teen/young teenagers out there, that would help me be a little satisfied. 

It's quite embarrassing making this post, but I need to get this out of my system, so why not? When I was 13 years old, I had my first boyfriend, T. He was this guy I went to elementary school with for a while, and I reconnected with him through my cousin who happened to be his neighbor. T was pretty cool, we always talked on aim, on the phone, and because at the time I couldn't really leave the house to go see people, I didn't get to go out to see him that much... Eventually, the relationship ended because of the fact that he met someone else. In a way, that betrayal, the feeling of being left for someone else emotionally scarred me. How could someone just date someone, then treat them the way that he treated me? Pushed me aside and ignored me? Of course, him being my first boyfriend I was a tad bit clingy in trying to save the relationship. I was hurt, and honestly, I felt like I rushed into my second relationship. 

I wanted another boyfriend to replace the empty void inside me... and during that time, I met A. A and I met and clicked right away. We always talked on the phone and I guess, the reason why I fell for him was because he gave me the attention that T never gave me after he broke up with me. I don't remember the exact timeline, but T and I went out again not too long after A and I broke up. I broke up with A because I realized that I didn't really like him the way I did T, that A was just a rebound. I pulled a T. I was A's first girlfriend and I just broke up with him without a real explanation, I left him for someone else, I left him for someone who wasn't available. 


I dated T again... but it wasn't really a real thing. I guilt him into it. So during the course of that relationship he didn't really talk, and it died out. No one had to say anything, it just ended because it was obvious that he did not like me the way I did him. And by the end of eighth grade, I met D. 


D and I hit it off right away. I don't remember exactly how we met, and or how fast we started "talking." But it was one of those fantasy relationships.. you know? The one where you meet someone and you click right away. We got to know each other pretty fast and it all just happened. He asked me to be his girlfriend and right away I said yes. He showed me love and affection that neither T or A did, and at the time I felt like D was the world. But this paradise quickly turned around. We dated on and off. We argued and made up, broke up and got back together. 

During one of our breaks I dated T again. But I realized, I only dated him again because I was holding onto our past. I didn't love him anymore. I loved the memories. I loved what use to be. Realizing that, I broke up with him causing him pain because the third time around, he felt regret for how he treated me the first two times, he was serious the third time around, but by then it was too late. 


D and I dated once more during my freshman year in high school, but after all the bullshit he put me through, the last time we dated, it was a revenge thing from me. I knew that he wanted the 7th chance, I gave it to him and purposely crushed his heart. I was being spiteful. Because before the last chance I gave D, I met H. 


Now, before I met H, D treated me like a queen, but at the same time treated me as if I were trash. My emotions were played with. I trusted too easily. Someone said they'd change, I believed them. I trusted people way too much and in the end I hurt myself and I picked up a couple of their habits. 


H and I talked, and honestly, I really liked H. We always talked on the phone, always talked on aim, we cwalked together, it was amazing. But something happened where he just stopped talking to me... I was hurt, and that was when I met L, L and I were rushed into a relationship. I was his first girlfriend and I broke up with him because I realized that I didn't really like him. I had a crush, my friends pushed it forward and he seriously liked me... so that's where the confusion came in... I broke up with him and since then he's been mister playa playa lol... 

Then, V.N and I started talking, V.N and I met through SWAG, aka he knew H also... We clicked so fast, the thing is, I fell for him because he was mysterious, he was dark... and at the time, our personalities were not the same, we were probably not compatible, like at all. Which is why when J came in the picture, cut V.N off. I told him he was mean and that he was an asshole... but I now know that the way he acted was his way of showing affection because... he doesn't wear his heart out on his sleeves. 


With J, we talked for hours. We webcammed, we talked on the phone, on aim, we sang together, made cwalk videos... the whole cwalk community knew that he and I had a thing. It was pretty damn obvious because his best friend knew... but he cut me off. He pushed me aside, pushed me to the curb. Ignored me... and at the time A.N came in the picture. We talked and it was a real on and off thing. I was hurt, a lot... when he started ignoring me. So... as a result of my being hurt, K hit me up and he tried to make me feel better.


K, he talked himself up so well. He made me believe he was genuinely a good guy, until he asked if my virginity was that important, and whether or not I was willing to give up my virginity to him. That was the deal breaker for me and we broke up. After that... I was single for a while, didn't really talk to anyone... Until Junior year, I met P. P and I had a thing and we dated, he cheated... and I broke up with him. I was not super hurt by him because by then, the I was numb from all the previous pain. I was kind of use to it. Of course I felt betrayed, but it wasn't anything too serious like the first time I was betrayed. 


Not too long after, V.V and I started dating. We dated for a total of 2.5 years, on/off. The thing is, during our 6 months, I was tired of all the arguing, he payed more attention to his games than to me.. so I found attention in someone else, in P.B, and he treated me amazingly. But, that hurt his feelings, and he made me pick, him or P.B and I chose him. By our 9 months, nothing had changed... He was still ignoring me, my grandma was going through a rough patch, so we broke up. 

However, A.M, A's brother and I started dating. YES, dating. I feel like it was mostly because that summer we were hanging out A LOT… and he was there for me when I needed someone the most. In a way, he filled in the boyfriend position that V.V lacked. Then we broke up a while later. Don't get me wrong, dating him wasn't bad or anything, if anything it was in a way like a fairytale-ish type thing. He was my best friend and a couple of our friends thought we made a "badass" couple. I don't know if it was because I believed we were best just being friends or if it was because I chickened out. Maybe I was selfish and only considered my feelings because I didn't want to get hurt? Maybe I didn't want to compromise our friendship? To this day I don't know why I made the decision I did… He looked out for me, had my back, gave great advice, knew how to make me laugh/how to cheer me up when I was down, and he took me places. But I guess my selfishness ended a really good friendship regardless…

Eventually, I started dating V.V again, I went back to what was familiar- he knew my ugly side no one ever witnessed before (relationship wise) and still accepted me. The rest of the time we were dating, I was miserable. I lost all feelings, but I felt obligated to be in the relationship… The even sadder part was that he was into one of my friends- they talked and flirted like crazy...

By now it was my senior year, and I had not talked to V.N for about 3 years. V.N hit me up during Reign III and we started talking. My boyfriend at the time, ignored me. Didn't pay any attention to me (what's new?). My grandma passed away and he told me to get over it. V.N was the one who was there for me. We started talking on the phone, he would text me good morning, he would tell me how cute my voice was... he... gave me the attention that V.V never did. V.N and I became super close again, and I suppose it was because those feelings for him never disappeared. The whole time we were talking, I was super into him. V.V. and I broke up April 2013 for good. I met T.B not too long after. T.B lead me on, but I think at this point I was use to being neglected and or lead on… so it didn't really affect me too much. I met T.N as well, and we talked for a while, but I chickened out the minute it started going somewhere… why? I think I wanted to avoid being hurt, to avoid being put in a situation where I would be emotionally hurt. The thing is, I never thought of that when talking to him… only when it seemed like it was going somewhere I dipped. It was not my intention to hurt anyone, but I did.

Throughout the whole time, since V.V, any guy I came across, V.N was there to protect me. He was there to cheer me up, he was there to give me advice, no matter how much it made him uncomfortable. In July.. I found out that V.N has always had feelings for me as I did for him. His advice towards me to help with E and H, whom I met this past May, hurt him and it was uncomfortable for him... but regardless I think he genuinely wanted me to be happy. But for some reason, I always find myself going back to him, talking to him… With H, we stopped talking because of reasons similar to T.B and T.N… I feel like with E, I'm starting to shy away because he literally could be the one, but I don't want to take the risk.

V.N- our personalities are basically the same. We're both sarcastic assholes. We show that we care by being assholes because I've learned to not wear my heart out on my sleeves. I was hurt way too much by doing that. He makes me feel safe because he knows where I am coming from when I act the way I do just as I know where he's coming from when he acts the way he does. Personally, I feel super safe with him. But the thing is he lives in NY, way too far. 

My advice to the 13 year old me or any other teens out there who are "searching" for a relationship: you should never trust with all your heart, you should be cautious. Do not wear your heart out on your sleeves and do not rush into relationships. Rushing leads to one of many things, either you fall too fast and get hurt, or you fall to fast and lead someone else on and hurt them and make them miserable... or scar/fuck up their emotions and ruin it for their future relationships... Take things slowly, and only fall for those who have proven worthy of your heart and won't hurt or break it. Do not trust easily, make sure the person earns your trust. If they treat you like shit, leave- there is no point in dragging anything out. You're not obligated to be in a relationship with someone who treats you like shit. Also, if they fuck up once, they're probably, and most likely going to fuck up again. Or, if they say they'll change and you give them a chance to change and they do not, don't be pulled back in because he promises this time he'll change, chances are, he probably won't. Be super cautious. Be sure you and the other person are ready emotionally and make sure you guys wholeheartedly WANT to be in a relationship… you cannot half want one and half play around b/c then we'll just end up with more emotionally fucked up people in the world like me who is too scared to take the risk and go into a relationship that obviously COULD work out. 

It would take A LOT out of me to actually get into a relationship now. Based off of how I feel right now and the track I'm going, I feel like I'll never find anyone and that I'll be alone forever… Don't be like me kids, don't rush into a relationship… b/c look at me… I'm comfortable with myself, I don't mind spending time by myself, I wouldn't say my self-esteem is SUPER LOW, but I can't even put myself out there anymore… lol. 

A tech savvy world in my eyes can destroy humanity as we know it today,

One thing that I cannot seem to comprehend is how fast and advance today's technology is growing and being improved day by day. I can only imagine what else they'll come up with ten years from now. Technology helps us with our everyday activities, helps us by reminding us, allows us for faster communication (instant messaging), it creates a platform where writers can write till their heart's content, and it allows for people to hide behind a screen. 

One of the many reasons why a lot of people are so socially awkward nowadays is due to the fact that we spend almost 50% (if not more) of our time in front of a screen. Where no one can see us, no one can know who we truly are, and we can be anyone we want to be. We push kids to be social butterflies and yes, they are being social butterflies, but through social media platforms. Is that what we want? Do we want a generation where in person social contact is nearly impossible because they lack the comfort of a screen to hide behind? Or should we be doing something about it and pushing these socially awkward people into obtaining actual social skills by removing the screen? 

So much of live revolves around checking the news online, checking the water an app, documenting your life on Instagram, updating people on your life through tweets and sharing with your family through FaceBook. Does this not raise any red flags with anyone? What happened to finding the time to read newspapers? Or watching the news for the weather? How about taking photographs and developing them and putting them into a photo album to remember? Instead of updating people about your life through tweets, to CALL someone and PLAN to meet them so you guys can catch up? SHARE with your family  in person. Everything is so much more personal when it is in person, when it is written on paper, when it is documented and physically obtainable, when you NEAR a persons voice through a phone call, instead of reading what it is they have to say through a text, email, IM, or through a social media platform. 

Look, I do not hate social media. I can see it help us move forward and advance so much. I mean, society is already moving forward and becoming so advance. However, the problem I see, and the problem I believe that needs addressing is the fact that the newer generation NEEDS social media as a crutch through everyday life. That is not the point of technology. Technology should NOT be a crutch through life, instead it should be something that helps one through life but not in the crutch like way. One should be able to live through life without social media, and social media should only enhance life a tad bit. It's for convince, not a necessity. And that my friends is what I am trying to stress… 

On twitter, all I see are tweets about people who are cursing the world because they woke up late or over slept . Yet the first thing they thought of was to tweet it instead of getting up and rushing to get ready? I see tweets on how someone wishes they could talk to a stranger, wishes they could talk to their friends more often, and wishes they could see someone more, yet all they are doing is spending their time TWEETING about it, instead of actually putting forth the energy to plan it… 

Personally, I would rather hold a paper book and read it. I would personally put together a photo album and document my life with an old school and tangible thing, and I would rather write letters and mail things (however, I recognize that in today's society, needing information quickly is crucial…). I would rather be journaling this post, but I also enjoy posting on a blog.

Overall, I can see the pros of having technology be a big part of our society, I can see the pros of living in a tech savvy society, however, I feel like people often over look the cons. As a person, I think it is always a good thing to consider the pros and the cons, to acknowledge the downfall of relying on technology and trying to overcome the social awkwardness and to overcome using technology as a crutch. Using technology as a crutch is not beneficial to a person at all. (Will add more later).

As someone who is struggling with the darkness of her past and going through an identity crisis…

"Every story, even a true one, has an ending. Fictional stories have concrete endings, but the funny thing about non-fiction accounts is that life goes on and the journey continues. I have realized that my life is like a living, growing, expanding tree -- every leaf and branch has played an integral part in who I have become, even the bare ones. Ever since my awakening, I have healed many old wounds. I have learned that it is not selfish to prune the areas of my life that are unhealthy and not working." -Melissa G. Moore  

… reading the book, Shattered Silence by Melissa G Moore, has been real eye opening and has helped me a lot. Although my life story is nothing like hers, I feel like in a way we are very similar, struggling with our identity growing up, putting the blame on ourselves when the issue at hand has nothing to do with us, and being easily manipulated. However, reading her book and seeing her realizations on life and her advice in her epilogue has allowed for me to keep on moving forward. Although she realized that life moves on later in her life, I'm blessed to have been able to learn this from her at this time. 

I started the book just today, and it was nearly impossible to put down, it was a literal page turner. Experiencing the blooming transition of a girl to a woman, the struggles she faced and all the obstacles she has faced. The fact she was torn at such a young age and dealt with such struggles at a young age and overcame those obstacles, arising as a stronger woman is such an inspirational story. 

The first part in the book that really caught my eye while I was reading was when she realized at a young age that the only limitation was imagination. 

"All of A sudden, I felt like I really could be anything, have anything, that I was only limited by imagination." -Melissa G. Moore p. 35

It was so beautiful seeing her progress and grow from a girl to a woman and to see her realize that the whole time, she was limited because of her imagination, where she blamed herself for the actions of her father, the serial killer. 

In the end she mentions some really key things to living a happy life, in her words, "… I have sweet fruits of wisdom that I would like to share with anyone who maybe be struggling, no matter how big or small the problems you face."

Everything I'm about to type starting after this sentence is written by Mrs. Moore herself, I just don't see the need to put quotation marks on such a long section that starts with a list, so here goes.

1. Listen to your intuition. Some people may call this your inner knowing, your spirit. Whatever you call it, begin to trust that still, small voice inside of you 
2. Shatter the silence. Refuse to hold in secrets any longer. You really are only as sick as your secrets. I'm not saying that you need to bare your soul on national television. I did, but that was because I wouldn't find any other resources that death with my specific situation. I felt there was nowhere else to turn. To begin, I would suggest opening your heart to a close and trusted friend. Go and see a therapist if that suits you or enroll in a core-level accountability training program to rid yourself of past issues and bring in new energy to your life. Join a support group, or, better yet, start one yourself. You will be amazed by what happens when you make a clear decision to heal. Make that choice, and all kinds of resources will suddenly be at your disposal. 
3. Be the chain breaker. Refuse to carry on the shame of those close to you. You are not responsible for other people's actions, particularly their hurtful behavior. Teach yourself and your children the healthy habits of physical, emotional, and mental boundaries. Refuse to carry on acts of violence or shame rom past generations. It doesn't matter what you've done in the past. Ask for forgiveness and start fresh today. 
4. Take responsibility. You are not responsible for other people's actions, but you are always, always responsible for your own. Have integrity. Care enough for yourself to surround yourself with good people and to hang out in places where great things are happening. If you choose to put yourself in questionable situations, you can expect questionable -- and perhaps even dangerous -- outcomes. If you choose to associate with positive people doing positive things, you are more likely to be happier with your relationships and your life overall.
5. Make healthy choices in handling stress. You owe it to yourself to stay away from addictions. Drugs, alcohol, food, sex, gambling, shopping excessively, or another potentially addictive substance or activity will not make the pain go away, it will eventually only increase it. The longer you seek to escape from your problems, the more deeply they will plague you. Instead resolve to keep your body, mind and spirit healthy. Exercise often and eat a nutritious diet. Involve yourself in listening to nature or attending church. Living a healthy lifestyle is the perfect way to get grounded and centered, and it increases your ability to listen to your own intuition. 
6. Keep a journal. I suggest four powerful ways of journaling: to remember what you are grateful for; to release hurt, fear and painful circumstances; to see your challenges clearly and outline as many solutions as you can think which will help you realize you are not stuck; and finally, to outline specifically what it is you want out of life. Writing has helped me heal immensely, and I believe it is a powerful catalyst for change. 
7. Find your passion. I cannot stress this enough! Everyone has unique gifts and talents, even you. No matter what your past life has been, or how poor your circumstances have been to this point, you have a unique spark of life and there are things that only you can do. What excites you? What makes you happy to jump out of bed in the morning? What makes you want to embrace your day? If you don't know, it's time to find out. 
8. Be of service. We are all here on earth with the same mission -- to do our best with what we are given. But we cannot succeed in blooming our greatest selves unless we help others do the same. It is not enough to push through obstacles. We are all here to be teachers as well. Once we master a new challenge, we then have the tools to teach another how to overcome a similar challenge. Service to others dispels, sadness, loneliness, pain, and discontentment. From personal experience, I know it is impossible to feel the problems of your own day when you are lifting a burden for someone else. 
9. Seek knowledge. I have learned that knowledge gives you the power to make better choices. And better choices ultimately allows you to create your destiny. There is so much information freely available to us that can empower us to create a better world. 
10. Begin anew.  No matter where you've been, no matter how dark your past, you can step in a new direction the moment that you choose to. Healing is a journey, that is for certain, but it starts with a choice. The moment you choose it, your past can be your past -- it no longer has to haunt your future. Whoever you are, whatever road you've been down, all you have to do is decide to make a change and you will find it easier to see a new path. Follow up your decision with action and keep moving toward the life of your dreams.  

In a way, we are all artists in a sense working on our greatest masterpiece -- our own lives. Each choice you make is a brushstroke that paints a grander picture of your legacy. Don't keep waiting for your life to start. It's right here, right now. When you believe in yourself, you an become more than you ever thought you could be. 

-end of the section I took from the book-

This book, her experience, her lessons and her story are all within this book, and it has helped me start to find myself, thank you Melissa.