These splurge posts will be of everything on my mind right at that moment
I know my last blog post probably does not sound all that logical or reasonable. I wrote it during a time when I was stressing out about the hundreds of assignments I was attempting to finish up. I have some time right now to go back and edit them, but after this post of course.
I'm not going to jinx it, nor say anything about it because this is a need to know basis type of situation. But I applied for something and all I know is that if I don't get in, my anxiety levels are going to go off the charts. This is all that is on my mind, all that I think about, and I just cannot do anything because I am stressing out so much over this. I'm trying my best to put it aside… and to be honest, it's times like this I wish I had someone, a significant other, or someone to go to and talk to about this, to cry to. I hate showing weakness to my sisters and family, and I hate crying in front of them. In a way, I kind of see myself as a role model, if I fail to be accepted, if I cry, if anything goes wrong, I know for a fact I do not want to cry to my family about this situation. But for right now, fingers crossed and I hope I get in. That is all I will say on the matter.
Moving on, I know the perks of being single and to be honest, I have never felt so liberated being single after being in a two year relationship. But it has been a year and I'm ready to get back out there and try to find someone. The thing is, it's so hard to meet someone. I don't know if it's because I'm socially awkward, or if it is because I'm just not good at interacting with people in that manner, but I am really bad when it comes to this type of thing.
I have been "talking" to some people af of late, but at the same time, I do not know where any of it will lead and how would i even know if they're the "right" one? I suppose it really is all based on chance, right? you take the risk and you risk it all, and if it's meant to be then it's worth it all. But if it's not, I'll take the fall, and keep on risking until it becomes worth it all, Right? (Hah, I think I just wrote myself a mini-poem.) These guys are really interesting, but at the same time I cannot see it going anywhere. I don't know if it is me being pessimistic or if it is me being intuitive… I'm 20 fucking years old now… I think it would be really nice to settle down, or at least get to know someone who I can see myself settling down with.
It has been bothering me for some time now. I'm not getting any younger and when I graduate, I want to start my career, or go to grad school or something. I cannot see any time in the near future for me to mingle and get to know people and trying to find "the one" while balancing all that out. Which is why I think for me, right now, while I'm still in college, just balancing out school and work, it would be a great time to try to find a potential long term relationship partner… Because that's all I really want. I don't want to fool around, I don't want a fling, I don't want someone who just wants to hit it and quit it. I don't see the point in dating someone if you plan on leaving them. I want to date for the long run, to know that my "partner" could possibly be the one I spend the rest of my life with. That's all I really want, to find the one who could quite possibly be there for me in the future. Someone who will support me in every decision I make. It's really funny because, a lot of the guys I know in college just want to fool around, meet new girls every week, think flings are okay, sex with a new girl each night. I know I'm just generalizing now, but how am I suppose to meet that person, and HOW am I suppose to meet that person in such an environment? Maybe I am just over thinking the situation and what I really need to do is join clubs and such that will allow for me to meet new people thus allowing for me to possibly meet "the one." I don't know how people do it. I mean people have suggested Tinder, but how trustworthy is that? I think I would rather meet the person face to face and mingle versus conversation through a dating app. But at the same time, I don't know, I hear stories about people meeting their perfect partner through things like this. Maybe each love story is different.
Anyway, regardless of the whole situation of finding a boyfriend, or just someone to date or whatever, I feel like I have been okay. Mentally and physically I am exhausted, but that is what school and such will do to a person, in addition, work as well. I'm starting to grow tired, maybe I'll make the edits to the other posts later. I think I'm just going to call it a night.
