I've been dealing with this feeling for the past few weeks. Contrary to popular belief, it has nothing to do with feeling lonely because of being single or because I have no friends. I can't articulate this feeling as of late. In a way it is closely comparable to artist block: with all the intent and effort to create something, but without the capability. Frustrating.
I changed my number when I started college last year, to this day I'm still wondering if I've really kept the necessary people in my life. I know for a fact I have given my number out to wrong people because I cringe at every text they send. To be honest, I can do without a phone. I barely text, I don't need to be on instagram and twitter all the time, but since it's there on my phone, I use it. The idea of treading in the unknown is a concept I love to dwell in, strange isn't it? A lot of people fear the unknown and try their best to avoid it. Being unable to communicate with people is a guilty pleasure, and I apologize for that.
I miss set appointments where the credibility of the meeting is reliant on the appearance of both parties, where the other tries their best to be on time. I've noticed recently a lot of people meet places later and later. Times get pushed and no one ever seems to be on time for anything anymore. A set time, like 12:00 ends up being pushed to 12:10, or 12:30 ends up being pushed to 12:35. What is even more ridiculous is waking up at the time one was supposed to meet and taking a whole hour to get ready and another hour to get to the designated rendezvous point. Time is precious, being late just shows the other person that your time is more valuable than the other party. Since when did it become okay to show up late to commitments?
With cellphones, we take for granted people in our lives because we think a simple text will make up for the fact we're late. As of recently, hanging out with someone involves each party indulged on their phone. How exactly is being on your phone and chatting with someone else, spending time with me? How does a text or several text messages compensate for the lost time? Maybe I should change my number again? Maybe cellphones will keep people from taking me for granted.
Being alone and loneliness is a funny concept. The word alone itself has a negative reputation amongst our generation. It holds a negative connotation. We assume isolation equals being lonely which characterizes depression. Yet at the same time, being alone is when we can fully reflect on our actions, our words, and our lives. Being alone is something we all desire sometimes, so how can something we need, desire, and at times cherish, have such a negative connotation? I'm afraid I've come to the point to where this is how I like to be, indifferent and alone. Or I'm waiting for certain individuals to come along to make me question why I ever thought I'd be better off alone. Belonging is a funny state but then again so is being alone. I think being alone, reflecting, and, being comfortable and having the ability to not always be around people or with someone 24/7 is something to cherish, to love. Why not indulge yourself and have time to yourself? Because in reality, to you really truly "belong" with whatever group you believe you belong in?
